Today is Christmas day and my house is totally quiet. I'm here (almost) alone because Grandma Pam has the two kids in Bickenell (bless her soul!!!) while I recover from the double jaw surgery I had 1 week ago today (Dec. 18th). Caleb is also home with me because at 9 months he's too young to be away from mom for that long, and he's also sick so I'm glad I have him here with me.
I knew that this Christmas would be different for a long time, but even though we had our "Christmas" and Santa come last week, today is still Christmas, and it still feels a little melancholy without family around. The day itself has meaning for me. I'm so glad I have my baby Caleb here to keep me company, although that's been difficult sometimes with my recovery to have the energy to care for him, but I've had lots of good friends helping this week too. Today, I'm glad I have a babe to remind me of the babe of Bethlehem that Christmas is all about. That first Christmas was simple and quiet too, so in a way I'm glad I have a day to reflect on the true meaning of the day.
Christmas has always been a bit melancholy for me over the years because I have always longed to be part of a big family, where everyone comes together every year because, that's just what you do. Year after year I'd see my roommates and friends disappear to big family gatherings- "oh we all get together at the cabin every year and my siblings and their kids all come". Or "my whole family is going to mom and dad's house this year" or "we're all going on a cruise together this year". I'd see the pictures and the traditions, and the "oh we do this every year", even just small things, and would be so envious. And I knew, even though I was part of my friends' lives on the day-to-day during school or work, that at Christmas they would leave, and I would dread it all year long. Christmas was a time when you all get together just because that's what you do- you're a family. Everyone would go to be with family and I would be alone. It was always a reminder that I wasn't family and that I wasn't really part of any family.
I guess part of having parents that are divorced means that there's no one gathering influence that brings everyone together each year as far as family goes- you're always choosing between parents no matter what. And to be honest, even non-divorced families often don't all get together and just do their own thing each ear. But I've always longed for this togetherness deep in my heart. I've always wanted a permanent family tribe or group of people that always came together, even if it wasn't perfect. It was a priority and everyone would make it happen because we're family and that's what we do. Now of course I also know that means despite our highest aspirations, it also means a time of frustration, stress, exhaustion, unmet expectations, fighting, misunderstandings and all the things you don't see in those perfect pictures we all post. It's all part of family, the good and the bad. The point is that we're together.
Christmas always makes me think back over the years to my MANY Christmases as a single person - Christmas and holidays were so painful. It was unavoidable, no matter what I did to stay busy and live a full life, I knew everything would eventually grind to a halt while everyone I knew went to celebrate with their families- all of whom apparently had a million siblings, and long-standing traditions, and everyone would be together. I felt like such a wanderer for so long. I always found somewhere to go- Grandma and Grandpa Kay's house, sometimes I flew to see Mom in Missouri, sometimes I went to be with Dad in Texas. A couple times I flew to see David and Whitney. I flew to Oregon to be with Grandma Schoening and mom one year. And one year I just stayed home and tried to pretend it was no big deal to be alone for Christmas. Every year I was sad, but especially that year. I had family, but we just weren't ever together. I was searching desperately for that place of permanent belonging. I was searching for family- even in my studies and occupation.
Now, I have a bustling family of my own and wonderful inlaws, and it has filled so many of the holes in my heart as we start to figure out what our family traditions are. But we still don't have that huge extended family that loves to gather together every year. Getting my brothers together is nearly impossible. If I'm honest, being together just doesn't seem to be a priority to them. Michael's two brothers tend to do their own thing each year as well. But one day. One day my children will be grown up and maybe then, we'll all gather together. Maybe then we'll all gather to have Christmas eve together, and we'll all open Christmas PJs and a toy from the tree and watch a movie and eat good food together. Maybe every Thanksgiving the kids will ask for mom's famous sweet potatoe casserole and we'll all go chop down a tree together in the woods like we have every year. Maybe we'll all go together to the houseboat at Lake Powell each summer. Maybe we'll all go to Jackson Hole together to celebrate mom and dad's anniversary each year. Who knows. But my heart is longing and waiting and hoping and anticipating, and I'm going to spend my life working to make that dream come true.
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