Well looking back, it seem it's been 2 years since I wrote in Alida's journal, 1 year since I wrote in Levi's, 1 year since writing here in my personal family blog and Caleb, who just turned 2 this week, doesn't even have a journal.....:/
So I'm just going to accept the fact that I write in journals an average of once a year, and call that good for now. At least it's something!
I've really been feeling the urge to write lately- there's been so much going on, and I feel it's important to document my feelings, a little about each of my children, and where we are in life. So here we go.
Since my last entry on March 15, 2020 Covid 19 has been in full swing. For a full year! Although there was a lot of initial panic by me and a desire to quarantine and social distance, I admit my patience for that ran out after about 6 weeks of "only 2 weeks to flatten the curve". To be totally honest, I've only bought masks twice in the entire last year, and only wear them when it is absolutely required. Our governor is about to lift our statewide mask mandate next week, and I'll be glad for the poor workers that have to wear them 24-7! I'm glad I'm not in a job like that. Grateful for the people who are careful with other's health and I try to wear a mask out of respect for others, but rarely leave the house and forget most the time when I do.
We have been lucky not to have Covid-19- no one in our family. I credit that to our strong immune systems- and living in rural places. We're also grateful neither of our parents have had it. We have known a few people who were unfortunately and lost their lives, however. Over 500,000 lost their lives in the US. And the politics about it still rage on. Vaccinations are widely avaialble now, as are opinions about the vaccination. Our prophet pleaded with us to be vaccinated and Grandma Schoening refuses to do so. So that's where things are with many church members- feeling divided against the church on this issue. I'm glad to feel like finally, after a year, life might get back to normal. Truly for us, things haven't been that different. When you have young young children, you rarely leave the house anyway. We didn't have that many activities we were engaged in, plans for travel, or other major disappointments. So in a way, it was nice to have life slow down for a bit. Levi continued to go to kindergarten in person in Roosevelt, although he was required to wear a mask, he loved being in Mrs. Guymon's class. Alida also enjoyed going to Mrs. Jeri's preschool every Tuesday and Thursday. Although she does miss friends. She is the most social of our kids. Levi now attends full-day kindergarten in Loa and Alida attends preschool at the elementary school 2 days a week as well, and also works with a speech therapist.
Back to last year- Covid brought it's own unique set of challenges for our family. Michael was laid off by Newfield/Ovintiv after more than 5 years of employment in June of 2020. The oilfield suffered major setbacks through covid and there were tons of layoffs. That's something I really don't love about the oilfield. It's always boom or bust and you never know if you're going to have a job one year to the next. We sort of were holding our breath anyway because Newfield had several rounds of layoffs. We counted ourselves lucky for each one he got through. He is a great employee. But this time he lost the lottery. Lucky for us, he also got a generous severance package, almost $60k. And I was at a place where I was pushing hard for Emerald with Plexus. So I was grateful to have him home to help, and immidiately pivoted to working full time while he took care of the kids full time. Although we are still bummed about the loss of benefits and health insurance.
Through sheer grit, blood, sweat, tears, grace and determination, I ranked Emerald in July 2020. It was quite the spectacle- the end of a 90 day push. The last to make it that month in my peer group of 6- Katie Tucker, Sonya Gilson, Sammi Stewart, Melissa Lombardo and Hannah Wright. And mostly working on my own- with Amy by my side. The 6 of us all made it to Emerald, which was tremendous. I had lost the faith I could do it- my team was basically out on vacation for the month of July. Amy came over and helped out the last week of the month and ALMOST ranked Senior Ruby herself- slid in 5 points short. Her love and support was instrumental. So was Jessika's- who rallied the jewels around me in the final hours when I had given up hope and needed 200 more points (40 orders). And then Brooke was my angel. I had given up hope. She convinced me to let her log in for me and find whitelines we could order under as customers. Between her help, and the help of my jewel sideline sisters who were WILLING to help and lots of prayers, I made it. In fact, I sailed past 1500 points to 1560. We worked until the last minute trying to get Amy to Sr. Ruby. And it was an amazing experience. And quite unusual getting to Emerald with such a skinny team.
But I also needed a major break afterwords. I was exhausted, burnt out, and so was my family and felt like I deserved a break. But the thing about sales, is you don't reach a milestone without immediately starting to slide back. You are on a downward moving escalator and you have to ALWAYS keep moving or you loose progress. But the feat was phenomenal. I enrolled almost 30 people that month. And then about 40-50 people basically did me favors to get me there. And that meant I got the $5000 payout for Mexico- since the Emerald extravaganza was cancelled due to Covid. and that money and the bonuses were amazing.
After about 6 weeks home we decided it was time for Michael to go back to work, but we also started feeling nudges toward moving. Neither of us, after all, liked the volatility of the oilfield. We both had a dream of raising our kids in Bicknell- sooner than later. His severance and 401k would enable us to build a home. And the pull kept getting stronger. After a pivotal conversation with Jamie Prince Bartschi, I knew it was time to take the leap. It was time to sell our home, and move to Bicknell. I had a pretty strong spiritual manifestation about this- which I think I would need to get through the hard times. And because the move would be hard for me. But the prompting was strong enough to convict me. So I decided. But it took a bit to get Micahel on board. I was a little surprised about that. But it also helped to strengthen my resolve and have the faith to encourage him to get on board too. After learning what I had about setting goals and faith and reaching Emerald, I felt like I had new skills to chase after this dream and have faith that if it was the Lord's will, it would work out. So we listed our home for sale in mid September and knew the Lord would take care of things- one step at a time.
I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be like the Jaradites stepping onto the barges. We love our home in Roosevelt. We love our people there. The kids love their friends and teachers. We had what was our dream property. Leaving would be hard. And there would be a long time of transition- before we had a home we liked. Before I'd be able to break into a small community again. Before we felt comfortable and found our niche. I knew that it would feel like being tossed around on the ocean and begging to come up for air. But I also knew that we were being called to leave.
Our home sold in October, and we were offered our asking price- which we were amazed by. We did for sale by owner and saved about $10k. We sold to good people. We decided to move out by Dec. 1st. We initially thought we'd buy and old house and fix it up and then sell later when we were ready to build. But at a pivotal moment, David Moosman reached out and told us he could build our home, and start right away. So we decided to forego buying a home, hired David to build our dream home that we found plans for, and started making plans to take our leap of faith. That meant finding a rental. But the Lord had orchestrated everything up to that point so we knew it would work out.
Although things did work out and we sold our home for the best possible price, got a great severance package and 401k cash out for building, and we DID find a rental to move in to, I'll tell you this. It was hard. It IS hard. It's hard leaving a place you love so much. A home that you always said was your dream home. My goats. My chickens. My bees. Our little 2.5 acres with water rites. Beautiful landscaping and playground for kids. A beautiful neighborhood. Dream babysitters. Families we LOVE- like the Gordons and the Snows and the Frestons. Good friends. Access to resources and shopping, but still feeling like we lived in the country. Leaving Roosevelt right during the holidays was also hard. And moving into this dingy rental, or "old stinky garage house" as Levi calls it, has not been easy. Concrete floors. No hot water in the kitchen. Crappy appliances. Crappy bathrooms. Dark. Dog poop everywhere outside. Most neighbors smoke and aren't super friendly. No place for the kids to play. The holidays were hard. January and February were hard. I just longed for warmth and escape. There has been a lot of anxiety and even some depression. Michael landed a miracle job- on queue with all the other miracles, making great money, but is out of town and over the road all week long. Being alone here in this new place where everyone knows him but no one knows me was hard. Pam has been my biggest friend, safe place, and soft place to land. But no thanks to an unfortunate comment by a neighbor, I've been worried about burdening Pam. It's been hard feeling like I've been cut off from all resources and help and many times it's felt like I've wondered where the next breath of oxygen will come from.
But there have been miracles and tender mercies. Like Annette Jensen stopping by. Like the nurse in the clinic at Bicknell that talked about how hard it is to move back to a small town. Like Dwight and Laura showing up with an army of angels to help unload us when we arrived. I still know that we are supposed to be here. But it has been HARD.
I forgot to mention that we found out I was pregnant at the end of November. So that has definitely added more to the platter, and certainly contributed to the anxiety- sleepless nights, anxiousness and difficulty. Especially considering we no longer have insurance and will have to pay for this baby out of pocket- a minimum of $15k if everything goes right. Still, at 6 months pregnant now, not quite sure what to do about that. I've been seeing a midwife but still have a lot of anxiety about a home birth and haven't had the mental bandwidth to prepare for it. So still not sure where I'll be giving birth....which causes me a lot of anxiety.
Back to the move. We officially moved to Wayne County Dec. 1st. We had Christmas here in our rental in Loa. We got all settled. We moved our records to the Loa ward. And slowly. Ever so slowly. We're starting to build our life here. We gave a talk about a month ago. I got called into Young Women's- which has been a blessing. I've been doing some emotional clearing work with Jenni Orton and investing in some self-development programs (Tiffany Peterson's Success Academy and Jenni Orton's work) that has helped a lot. But 4 months in and it definitely doesn't feel like home. I feel like I have to leave every month to come up for air. I feel like I'll do the self- care and mind work to be ok, and then things go askew again often!
We went to St. George for Alida's birthday and stayed at a condo there and went to a bunch of indoor waterparks. It was heaven. And I cried about coming back to Loa. Went to Roosevelt for Spring Break. Saw our beloved Emily and Cathy Nolte. Hugged people. Ate good food. Alida and Levi went to Mrs. Jeri's and played with Kenyon and Bronx. Saw Lesa and some other dear friends. It still feels like home there. It was hard to come home again.
But here we are. Levi is in full-day kindergarten. He still doesn't like it as much as Roosevelt and often asks if we can go back and that he likes our old house and his old kindergarten better. He's struggled a bit with anxiety as well and with this move. He has a hard time falling asleep alone. He's started worrying about dying. This move and all the change has been hardest on him I think. Alida has been easy going and laid back about everything, but she misses having friends. Grandma is her good friend, and Linda has been so good to her too. But she longs for little girl friends. With Covid and not gathering, it's been particularly challenging to get to know people. I'm hoping that starts to change soon, especially for her sake.
Caleb hasn't known really what's happening- all he cares is that his mom and dad are near by! He's certainly come into his own the last few months with his loud and demanding personality but his cute and happy disposition too and his obsession with trucks, tractors, sharks, and more and more words being said every day. He loves loves loves his mom and dad- we are his safe space and he wants to be with us more than anything- other than maybe in dad's big truck. He's been fun, and HARD. He can make life hard for ALL of us when he's tired. But he's a sweet boy too. He's just learned to kiss us and say "luv you" lately. It's so cute.
Our home is coming along. There's definitely been a learning curve with building- and knowing what I do and do not have a say in. How much I can ask and what's off limits to ask. Figuring out what we actually want and what our space will look like. Making mistakes and feeling like an idot. Overall it's coming together really well. Our basement is poured and framed. Our 1st floor is framed and the porch is now down. We expect the roof will go up next week and then the framing will be done. We spent a couple of hours there today, just enjoying the spring weather and soaking in the positive energy. March and Spring has breathed new hope and life into my soul. I feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.
I've been spending a lot of time on my business. I guess it's an outlet for me. Something that's familiar. Something I'm good at. Something that allows me to connect with others. Something that I enjoy. But I'm also seeking to balance that with my little kids so they don't see my back all day long. I usually have a babysitter come for a couple of hours during the week days (Grace or Kaysie Jeffrie), and then work every night for a couple of hours, and then a couple of hours during the day.
But I'm also starting to recognize that I work because it's easier to do than be with my kids. Engaging with the kids is exhausting and frustrating often. I've realized I need a platform to engage with them in. Like when I had Trina's kids- because they were there, I had to focus on them and make the time engaging and fun. So I've thought about watching some kids. Or even homeschooling. Or just getting something structured and scheduled that I can do with them during 'kid time' each day so it doesn't turn into them just doing whatever and mom working. I'm hoping once we're in our home, it can be little chores on the farm- maybe feeding grandma's chickens and dogs. Or watering the horses. Or something that we can do together and enjoy. I've also realized I don't have a lot of quality time with Levi right now- he's a night owl but that's when I work. So I hurry him off to school at 8am every morning. When he comes home at 2:30pm have just a few minutes with him before a babysitter comes over. Then I come home, battle them to eat dinner, battle them through scripture study, and send them off to bed by 8pm and yell at them all night to leave me alone (especially Levi) unless I give him melatonin. Doesn't make for a lot of positive interaction right now. I'd like to realign that so my kids feel like they are my focus and priority and that I LOVE them and who they are.
Levi's made several comments lately about how I used to love him when he was little but I don't any more, and that I always yell at him and that he wants to win my love back. So that breaks my heart. Anyway, I took him on a mommy/son date this week and he loved it. I think I need to take time to do that with both him and Alida each week. Caleb gets plenty of time with me each day- he insists on it and demands it. But the other two, I need to do better. Michael's a great example to me of this. He is always positive and cheerful with his kids and makes them feel like a million bucks. They feel loved and adored by him. They feel bossed around and ruled over by me. I want to change that.
Having Michael over the road has had it's own set of challenges and benefits. It's nice for me to have the time to myself all week when he's gone to work on my business and do what I want at night. But it's been kind of hard to adjust to each other each weekend too. This has led to some tension and a couple of big blowouts. But I think we're getting past that and learning to try harder, say sorry, and working to stay close, despite the fact that he's gone all the time.
There are still a few big unknowns in our life that are causing some stress. First, baby boy is due July 25th, but we don't have insurance, so knowing WHERE he will be born has been a huge stress. I have a midwife and have decided to do a home birth, but still have lots of reservations about that, and seems like a lot to bite off right now, with everything else going on. But so is the $15k MINIMUM pricetag of having baby in a hospital. I feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place with no insurance.
Second, we don't know when our home will be done OR how much it will cost. Costs are skyrocketing right now. When we purchased the home plans, the estimated price was $373k to complete it. We were approved for a $300k loan and had $150k as a down payment. When we got an estimate from David at the end of November it was $420- without his $40k commission. We assumed that included the $25k we spent on cabinets and appliances and $15k on permits, but it did not!
Now wood prices have trippled since November and we have no idea where we'll land. We decided to hold off on the garage to save money. We're just hoping we can get it done for the $450k total we've committed to the project. But it's amazing how fast it goes. This is another place I've had to exercise BIG faith- and stretch to find room in my schedule to manage everythign it takes to build- including all the decisions to make (flooring, lights, doors, windows, furniture, layout, countertops, etc. etc. etc). I really am hoping the Lord will help provide because we do not LOVE having a bigger mortgage than what we left, and we don't love both working so much either! The dream is to bring Michael home so he can live the lifestyle of the farm- at least in the evening with his kids. And for me to bring in enough resources to pay off the house.
Anyway, those are the big updates for now. Michael got laid off last year. We found out we're pregnant with #4- a boy right after. We lost our insurance. We took a leap of faith and moved to Wayne County. We're building. We live in a dingy old rental. We're all trying to get used to being here. We hope our home will be finished in July. We hope to be excited about having a baby by July- and know WHERE we'll have him and how we'll pay for him. OH, and just finished saving up the $14k we owe for taxes. Now just another $15k for baby, and $300k for house and we'll be done.
Life is a ride! We are in the barges! We come up for air occassionally and then we're tossed around again! But the Lord is in charge. Our promised land is within sight. He will take care of us. And hard doesn't mean wrong. Sometimes it's just a waiting time. And that doesn't mean anything is wrong.
But.....I will be really really glad to get out of these barges and onto dry ground!
