Dear Journal,
I am just so heavy hearted tonight. It seems the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just don't know what else to do than to write in my journal and be a little bit sad about it all.
There are several things going on right now that make my heart sad. First, my brother David. For many years I feel like David has been angry at the world. It kind of started at BYU I think when he started feeling jaded about my mom and dad's divorce, that he was promised if he was a good missionary that everything would work out, and then it didn't. He started becoming bitter, hanging out with a pretty edgy crowd, and just acting very....arrogant about the church. Well, fast forward to when he leaves BYU and the wayward crowd (most of whom have left the church now and are LGBT activists, etc) and he meets Whitney in school. Whitney is still a little edgy and a bit unconventional as far as being a critic of Mormon culture and wanting to be outside of that. But she served a mission, has a very strong, conservative family, and has a strong testimony of the gospel. I remember their sealing very well and the tears of joy in David's eyes as he wept in the temple. Good, I thought, he's safe.
Well, life has been hard for him I think. They lost Marshall and I'm not sure of the effect that had on his testimony but at Marshall's funeral I remember very clearly his strong testimony of eternal families. Again I feel comforted knowing that he has the strength of his beliefs guiding his life, even though he's a little grumpy.
The last few years of mom's life, David and she weren't on talking terms. He got tired of the drama and decided to shut her out. This hurt mom immensely. She was constantly attempting to re-establish contact despite David and Whitney's request. He was quite mean about it and at times even cruel. He was just so angry at her, for a lot of things. When Lisa passed away, he reached out and opened up contact again. It was tremendously healing for my mother. But to say they had a warm relationship would be a huge stretch. I think he probably only spoke to her twice in the six months between Lisa's passing and her death. When I called to tell him that she had passed away, he yelled at me for almost 30 minutes about how selfish she was, and screw her if she's just going to go and leave us to clean up another one of her messes, and we shouldn't even have a service, etc. etc. I was a little amazed at the brunt force of the anger her had. It took all the discipline I had to not be reactive and to help him calm down. I was a little frustrated that he could be so selfish and angry in such a time of sorrow and loss.
Well, now mom is gone and he doesn't have her to focus his anger on. Now he's mad at the church. Mad at ecclesiastical leaders who told her to just soldier on instead of recognizing she had a mental illness. Mad at church culture for pressuring her to get married early and to have young kids so close together. He actually wrote a letter to Salt Lake instructing them about how they need to better train their ecclesiastical leaders.
Lately he's been posting these upsetting articles and opinions on things like not believing the church handbook change on gay families is inspired. Or that the original intent of tithing was to pay on the interest of investments, or on net income, etc. Or articles for the Tribune about how people die without the moral center of the church, even though they might stop believing they still identify as mormon, etc. Just really unsettling things. That hurt my heart. I try to not care that he is so hostile to that which is most precious to me. I asked him how he liked general conference and he said, "It was ok." I say, "Why do you say that?" And he says, "Some talks I liked, some I didn't. I just don't think that they're all inspired." It seems he's losing his faith in divine direction through prophets and apostles.
I called and talked to Whitney today after he posted that he will no longer be paying traditional tithing because he thinks it's a burden. She is a seminary teacher and as far as I can tell still has a vibrant testimony. She confided to me that she's worried about him, and it's one of the hardest things in their marriage right now. She said he's so touchy about it that they can't even talk about it, and I know what that's like. The stakes are so high with someone you love and are married to, you just can't afford to go in like a bull in a china cabinet and tell someone they are apostatizing. You're married to them. She says she just prays a lot and fasts and tries to love him more. She's just grateful he's still willing to go to church. She says he still reads scriptures and prays but doesn't feel like Heavenly Father has ever answered any of his prayers. He reads the New Testament to discover how the church today is different from how it was back then and to condemn current church policy and culture as being off the mark. He's just very angry. Whitney thinks it's depression manifesting as anger and that he needs to work out some issues about mom. He has a really hostile view of my dad right now too. He's so critical of them and how we were raised.
It just breaks my heart. It makes me so very sad, to see my brother lose his faith. I feel helpless to do much other than to pray and fast that somehow he will be touched by the Spirit to soften his heart. I think it affects me so much because David was always the one that I was closest to. We served missions back to back. He taught in the MTC while I was there and then I did when I returned. He was straight arrow and aglow with the gospel. I was so very grateful, amidst the chaos of our family fall out, to have a brother that I could draw on the strength of the gospel with. Now I feel like he's an adversary to all that I hold sacred and hold. And it makes me feel alone. Mom's gone. Jonathan is far from the gospel path. And now David is leaving too.
Anyway, I went out to Salt Lake today and got to talk to Lesleigh about it as well. I've had a few old friends message me asking what the heck is going on with him. Lesleigh is just frustrated that everything he posts is so apostate. I'm just sad. And wish I had someone to commiserate with that loves him as much as I do I guess.
That brings me back to other events. Grandma Kay went into the hospital a few days ago. She called 911 due to a sever upset stomach. They took her to the hospital and were looking into a bunch of things but did a CT scan and found out her bowel was blocked. He had a blood clot that had traveled down and cut off the circulation and about 12 inches of her bowel had died. They are lucky they caught it because they were able to go in and do surgery and remove it and reattach the working part. I guess that Golda, grandmother's mother, passed away in this exact same scenario. Except they were too late with Golda in catching the clot and she died in surgery. I'm so grateful that grandma is still here! She's the last one I thought would go. I've been kind of ready for grandpa, but not grandma. She's still sharp as a tack! She gives me a sense of belonging in the Kay family- I can talk to her about family things and she understands and can reminisce and call out the crazy. I'm not ready to have her steadying influence gone.
She looked really terrible today when I got to the hospital. I'm so glad I went because Alyssa has couched things in pretty rosy terms. She is almost completely incoherent and barely recognized me. I brought her some flowers and Levi to cheer her up- both of which are not allowed in urgent care. :/
She saw able to say "Love you", and answer that she was feeling a little better. But she couldn't speak or answer other than that. She looked pretty beat up. The nurses are confident that they'll be able to discharge her in a couple of days, but also sure that she'll need a few weeks of rehab recovery, specifically not at home or where she'll feel any pressure to have to take care of grandpa. Somehow I unwittingly got involved in the discussion about her after care, and putting grandpa in a short term care facility, something the siblings have been debating about for both of them for awhile, but now will be a necessity while grandma is recovering as she is technically the full time care provider for grandpa and he can't be on his own. So now questions again about should they go into an assisted living home, together or separate, etc. etc.
It's just very sobering to face the reality that your invincible and wonderful grandparents might not be around forever. I'm just not ready for them to be gone. I don't feel adult enough to carry all the weight that they've held up for our family for years. They are the pillars of my family identity, but it seems that it's all crumbling around me.
Uncle Doug. I noticed recently that he unfriended me on Facebook. Not just unfriended, but blocked me. Although I don't know exactly why, I can certainly imagine it's over my beliefs or opions about gay marriage or even the recent church handbook change about gay families. It just hurts my soul to be rejected as a person because of some difference of opinion. Especially in wake of mom's death. Something that I felt so strongly at the funeral was 1) the potential strength of family coming together in unity for something like mourning but 2) the loss of that strength when we focus on differences and let other things get in the way of our common humanity or the fact that we're family. I don't think anything in the world is more important than learning to love your own family, differences and all. It hurts my heart that my own uncle would want to shut me out of his world. I've been trying to post updates about grandma and he keeps asking questions but I can't even respond because I'm blocked. I wrote him a note telling him I'm sorry if I offended him and that I loved him and he is always family to me, but I understood if he didn't want to see my posts. But it just. Hurts. I'm sure like the hurt that he's endured for years and years.
Last thing. My heart. I've been having some issues with my heart. At first I thought it was nothing. And then I started getting short of breath. And my pulse is always above 100. And then the last few days I've been getting dizzy. We did an EKG and a Holter Monitor. They revealed the high heart rate and a racing pulse occassionally. They want to do an Echo Cardiogram but I've been hesitant because they cost $1000 and we're paying everything out of pocket right now until we meet our deductible. But the doctor says it's important so I'll go in on Tuesday. They've asked me before if I had any family history of heart problems. That was before I knew that Gold passed away from a blood clot from her heart, that my grandma has always had a heart murmur, that Atrial Fibrillation is genetic, and that it's very likely that I have that. It worries me a little. It's scary. And more than anything, I worry that it would prevent me from having any more children. The thought breaks my heart.
Anyway. Just some things weighing on my mind. And just wishing that I had a closer family that cared as deeply as I do about the things I do. That I had siblings to mourn with when another sibling starts to leave the church. That I had a mother that cherishes watching my child grow up as much as I do. Wishing that I had a father that wanted to be more involved in my life and didn't consider it a hassle to call me back. Just wishing for family strength. For family identity and heritage. My husband has such a wonderful close relationship with his parents. They are the best inlaws I could ever ask for. I wish I had that.
But I always have my husband. He is my family now. But still, he hasn't been around for the last 30 years of history. He's sympathetic but I long for the empathy that comes from walking the same road. Anyway, that's how February is shaping up.
In good news, Michael's company did another round of layoffs yesterday- they let go 78 more people. That makes about 150 of their 500 person workforce in the last year. That's almost a third, and Michael is still one of the youngest employees. But he made it. He's been an excellent employee this year and he made the cut. I'm so proud of him. And so grateful we still have a job. We knew the layoffs were coming, just not when. We've been praying like mad that his job might be preserved. So grateful the Lord answered our prayers. He even got a bonus check today at work.
I've got cabin fever. Been so anxious to get out of the cold and snow. I've been dreaming about Mexico and Cancun. Maybe one day.
Levi is crawling and pulling up and standing and learning so fast. I'm sure that he's going to be walking before he's 9 months old. He is such a fast learner. And such a mamma's boy right now. I left him with Diane for 1.5 hours today at grandma and grandpa's while I went to the hospital and he cried the whole time, totally traumatized. Lesleigh and Kayleigh and Collin wanted to play with him so bad and he was just so clingy and poutty. We're going to the temple tomorrow with our neighbors for a date night and session. We'll have to leave him for like 6 hours. I just hope he doesn't have a total come apart. I hope that he'll stop crying eventually and get comfortable with other people and understand that we'll come back. But so far....it hasn't looked promising. Hopefully we don't scar him for life tomorrow. I sure do love him though. I'll take all the hugs and cuddling I can get because I know it won't last forever. Love my little mamma's boy.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
January Journal: Heart Monitoring, Allergies, Budgeting, and Lava Hot Springs
Dear Journal,
As part of my goals for 2016 I've decided I want to start writing in a journal again. However, after going back and reading some old college journals, I realize that every day is a bit much- too many unimportant details and it takes way to long to get through the madness to the important stuff. So I've decided once a week is probably good. However, also being realistic, I think that probably once a month is a good starting point, and then we'll go from there.
The month of January was relatively uneventful. Last year for my birthday we did an epic snowmobiling adventure while I was 4 months pregnant. This year there wasn't anything too spectacular, although we did get together with some friends (The Grants) and played games and had cake and icecream. It's always chaos when we get together because they have 6 kids, so we don't really actually get much time hanging out with them. But I guess that's how life goes when you have kids. You're life revolves around them and you are rarely without them.
We decided that one of our most important goals this year was to get on a budget. I've been tracking all of our financial spending for the last 2 years in Mint, and that has helped me to become aware of our spending habits. Michael and I have been spoiled because when we got married, we were both making about $80k/year at our jobs. So our first year of marriage we were buying furniture, our house, a truck for Michael's birthday and just really buying whatever we wanted. It was nice. However, once I quit Qualtrics and started working at Wells Fargo, that number we reduced by a third as I was only bringing in $40k/year. But still. $120k/year for two people isn't bad. Now that I am no longer working at all, and I don't anticipate any other major financial windfalls (I cashed out my Wells Fargo pension plan and 401k, and also received about $30k of life insurance money after mom died), it is imperative that we learn to live within the income that Michael brings home. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to live on $80k/year. But I've been surprised at where it all goes and how fast. So I'm really proud of my major accomplishment of breaking down a budget for about $4000/month, which is about Michael's take home after they take out taxes, 12% for 401k, insurance and HSA money. So really, take home or net that we live on is about $56k/year. But I'm proud to say that in our first month of budgeting and using envelopes for some of our categories, we stayed on budget and even under a little bit.
It's a little tricky with the paychecks not coming until the middle and the end of the month- we kind of need some cushion money to make up for the time we're waiting for the paycheck. But we'll get there I think next month.
It's kind of providential that we've been focusing on budgeting because things in the oil field right now are really scary. Oil is down to the lowest it's been in 30 years- less than $30/barrel. It's inevitable that Newfield will have layoffs again and you never know if it's going to be you or not. Michael's also been working less hours and not getting overtime, which reduces our monthly income by about a third. So for the month of February we're going to have to live on $3000. That's tricky when your mortgage and tithing take up one entire paycheck and the other one leaves you about $500 after bills and utilities to cover food and gas for the month. Crazy how he can have a gross earnings of $5000/month and we actually end up having to live on $500. The money just disappears.
Anyway, what I know for certain is that the Lord will take care of us because we pay our tithing, fast offerings, and are generous with others. Last year we paid over $12,000 dollars in tithing. That blows my mind! But I also know that it means the Lord will always take care of us. For example, this last paycheck was only for 89 hours for 2 weeks, when usually it's closer to 100-120 hours. After paying the mortgage ($1330) there was only enough to pay tithing ($440) and have $20 left. So I was a little stressed. But then we found someone to sell our puppy Max to, and that brought in $300- a miracle to get us to the next paycheck. It always seems to happen that way. A random check in the mail. An overage that's being refunded. A birthday check. A card from a friend with money in it. A payment for good driving behavior from the insurance, etc. etc. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but he always helps us to work it out.
All of that to say, along with our budget for the year, we also planned out vacation and travel plans. We've decided we can take 2 major trips per year if we can save $150/month for them. This year we'll be going to Texas for Thanksgiving (hopefully, if we can make more than $3000/month) and Alaska in the summer. If we stay on budget and Michael makes the targeted $4000/month so we can put aside the money. So that gives me great motivation to stay on target with our spending, but also to be ok with not having big plans for my birthday. So we just celebrated at home with some friends. Michael took me out to a nice lunch at Red Gravy, and it was just low key.
We did go and visit Jaime and Sean Bartchi up in Idaho for a day, and that was kind of my birthday getaway. We stopped at Lava Hot Springs on the way home and that was a lot of fun. Even Levi liked to splash around a little bit in the water, although it was too hot to put him all the way in. We really like Jaime and Sean. I feel like we get each other. Jamie and I have been through so much together as mission companions, wilderness therapy, being single, etc. And then Michael and Sean have the ranching connection. They blow our socks off with their emergency prep. We're totally jealous of their set up. They just finished installing a solar system that will run their whole house. They have a well with a 1000 gallon holding tank for water storage. They have a huge wood burning stove. Food storage out the wazoo. And clothing and shoes for every season and size for boys age 0-18. They are uber prepared. We want to be like that one day. We have a propane/gas 8000 watt generator that could run our house, but we still need to wire it into the house. We don't have any water storage yet. And we're pretty decent on the food storage. Although we really do just need more space to do much more of that.
All these dreams and so little money to do it all.
Some other significant medical things that have been going on. I have been making progress on figuring out my chronic cough and congestion, so that is hopeful. Got tested for food and plant allergies. I'm allergic to soy and barely (random) and a few weeds, dust, insects/cockroaches, all very common. But one thing I'm very allergic to is candida, or yeast overgrowth. So I'm trying to figure out if that's the reason for all the inflammation and mucus my body is producing. Also found out that my heart beats unusually fast, ever since the pregnancy. It's almost always above 100 bpm. I saw Dr. Staker about it and he said there's a possibility that the high blood pressure during pregnancy may have caused it and there's a chance it may have damaged my heart muscle. Let's hope not. They did blood work and everything was fine. Today I'm wearing a monitor for 24 hours that will record all of my heart activity to see what's going on. I hope it's nothing serious. I'm sure grateful for good health insurance and an HSA to pay for all of this.
Levi is 7 months old now and just learned to crawl yesterday. He is SO much fun to watch grow up. We just love playing with him and his smiles and laugh. He loves his dad and he loves going into the room to wake him up and jump on the bed. He's just the cutest little kid. Still no teeth. He wants to walk so very badly. He always insists on being held up. He hates sitting or being put on the floor. He's staring to be afraid of strangers or new situations. It takes him some time to warm up to a new environment before he starts to warm up and play and let people play with him. People just adore him because he is so stinkin tiny and cute. He was 14lbs at his 7 month booster shot appointment. I just love it. In 7 months of life he's gained 8 lbs. Love that kid.
Well, that's about it for January I think. Other than being worried to death about Michael's job. I really do hope things turn around in the oil field. But even if he lost his job, we'd be fine. We have savings and a really supportive family. His family had a cow slaughtered and gave us half of it- cut and wrapped- for free. It's probably about 200 lbs. of steak, ground beef, ribs, roasts, stew meat, etc. They are so incredibly generous.
For Febuary my goal is to get healthy eating and weight loss habits in place. I gained 35 lbs. with Levi's pregnancy and immediately lost 20lbs after birth and haven't lost a thing since then. Time to get off the extra 15 lbs and then get another 30 off as well. It's a little tricky to diet and exercise with a baby and a husband that you also feed. But I'm going to figure something out!
Here's to new beginnings. Happy New Year!
As part of my goals for 2016 I've decided I want to start writing in a journal again. However, after going back and reading some old college journals, I realize that every day is a bit much- too many unimportant details and it takes way to long to get through the madness to the important stuff. So I've decided once a week is probably good. However, also being realistic, I think that probably once a month is a good starting point, and then we'll go from there.
The month of January was relatively uneventful. Last year for my birthday we did an epic snowmobiling adventure while I was 4 months pregnant. This year there wasn't anything too spectacular, although we did get together with some friends (The Grants) and played games and had cake and icecream. It's always chaos when we get together because they have 6 kids, so we don't really actually get much time hanging out with them. But I guess that's how life goes when you have kids. You're life revolves around them and you are rarely without them.
We decided that one of our most important goals this year was to get on a budget. I've been tracking all of our financial spending for the last 2 years in Mint, and that has helped me to become aware of our spending habits. Michael and I have been spoiled because when we got married, we were both making about $80k/year at our jobs. So our first year of marriage we were buying furniture, our house, a truck for Michael's birthday and just really buying whatever we wanted. It was nice. However, once I quit Qualtrics and started working at Wells Fargo, that number we reduced by a third as I was only bringing in $40k/year. But still. $120k/year for two people isn't bad. Now that I am no longer working at all, and I don't anticipate any other major financial windfalls (I cashed out my Wells Fargo pension plan and 401k, and also received about $30k of life insurance money after mom died), it is imperative that we learn to live within the income that Michael brings home. You wouldn't think it would be that hard to live on $80k/year. But I've been surprised at where it all goes and how fast. So I'm really proud of my major accomplishment of breaking down a budget for about $4000/month, which is about Michael's take home after they take out taxes, 12% for 401k, insurance and HSA money. So really, take home or net that we live on is about $56k/year. But I'm proud to say that in our first month of budgeting and using envelopes for some of our categories, we stayed on budget and even under a little bit.
It's a little tricky with the paychecks not coming until the middle and the end of the month- we kind of need some cushion money to make up for the time we're waiting for the paycheck. But we'll get there I think next month.
It's kind of providential that we've been focusing on budgeting because things in the oil field right now are really scary. Oil is down to the lowest it's been in 30 years- less than $30/barrel. It's inevitable that Newfield will have layoffs again and you never know if it's going to be you or not. Michael's also been working less hours and not getting overtime, which reduces our monthly income by about a third. So for the month of February we're going to have to live on $3000. That's tricky when your mortgage and tithing take up one entire paycheck and the other one leaves you about $500 after bills and utilities to cover food and gas for the month. Crazy how he can have a gross earnings of $5000/month and we actually end up having to live on $500. The money just disappears.
Anyway, what I know for certain is that the Lord will take care of us because we pay our tithing, fast offerings, and are generous with others. Last year we paid over $12,000 dollars in tithing. That blows my mind! But I also know that it means the Lord will always take care of us. For example, this last paycheck was only for 89 hours for 2 weeks, when usually it's closer to 100-120 hours. After paying the mortgage ($1330) there was only enough to pay tithing ($440) and have $20 left. So I was a little stressed. But then we found someone to sell our puppy Max to, and that brought in $300- a miracle to get us to the next paycheck. It always seems to happen that way. A random check in the mail. An overage that's being refunded. A birthday check. A card from a friend with money in it. A payment for good driving behavior from the insurance, etc. etc. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but he always helps us to work it out.
All of that to say, along with our budget for the year, we also planned out vacation and travel plans. We've decided we can take 2 major trips per year if we can save $150/month for them. This year we'll be going to Texas for Thanksgiving (hopefully, if we can make more than $3000/month) and Alaska in the summer. If we stay on budget and Michael makes the targeted $4000/month so we can put aside the money. So that gives me great motivation to stay on target with our spending, but also to be ok with not having big plans for my birthday. So we just celebrated at home with some friends. Michael took me out to a nice lunch at Red Gravy, and it was just low key.
We did go and visit Jaime and Sean Bartchi up in Idaho for a day, and that was kind of my birthday getaway. We stopped at Lava Hot Springs on the way home and that was a lot of fun. Even Levi liked to splash around a little bit in the water, although it was too hot to put him all the way in. We really like Jaime and Sean. I feel like we get each other. Jamie and I have been through so much together as mission companions, wilderness therapy, being single, etc. And then Michael and Sean have the ranching connection. They blow our socks off with their emergency prep. We're totally jealous of their set up. They just finished installing a solar system that will run their whole house. They have a well with a 1000 gallon holding tank for water storage. They have a huge wood burning stove. Food storage out the wazoo. And clothing and shoes for every season and size for boys age 0-18. They are uber prepared. We want to be like that one day. We have a propane/gas 8000 watt generator that could run our house, but we still need to wire it into the house. We don't have any water storage yet. And we're pretty decent on the food storage. Although we really do just need more space to do much more of that.
All these dreams and so little money to do it all.
Some other significant medical things that have been going on. I have been making progress on figuring out my chronic cough and congestion, so that is hopeful. Got tested for food and plant allergies. I'm allergic to soy and barely (random) and a few weeds, dust, insects/cockroaches, all very common. But one thing I'm very allergic to is candida, or yeast overgrowth. So I'm trying to figure out if that's the reason for all the inflammation and mucus my body is producing. Also found out that my heart beats unusually fast, ever since the pregnancy. It's almost always above 100 bpm. I saw Dr. Staker about it and he said there's a possibility that the high blood pressure during pregnancy may have caused it and there's a chance it may have damaged my heart muscle. Let's hope not. They did blood work and everything was fine. Today I'm wearing a monitor for 24 hours that will record all of my heart activity to see what's going on. I hope it's nothing serious. I'm sure grateful for good health insurance and an HSA to pay for all of this.
Levi is 7 months old now and just learned to crawl yesterday. He is SO much fun to watch grow up. We just love playing with him and his smiles and laugh. He loves his dad and he loves going into the room to wake him up and jump on the bed. He's just the cutest little kid. Still no teeth. He wants to walk so very badly. He always insists on being held up. He hates sitting or being put on the floor. He's staring to be afraid of strangers or new situations. It takes him some time to warm up to a new environment before he starts to warm up and play and let people play with him. People just adore him because he is so stinkin tiny and cute. He was 14lbs at his 7 month booster shot appointment. I just love it. In 7 months of life he's gained 8 lbs. Love that kid.
Well, that's about it for January I think. Other than being worried to death about Michael's job. I really do hope things turn around in the oil field. But even if he lost his job, we'd be fine. We have savings and a really supportive family. His family had a cow slaughtered and gave us half of it- cut and wrapped- for free. It's probably about 200 lbs. of steak, ground beef, ribs, roasts, stew meat, etc. They are so incredibly generous.
For Febuary my goal is to get healthy eating and weight loss habits in place. I gained 35 lbs. with Levi's pregnancy and immediately lost 20lbs after birth and haven't lost a thing since then. Time to get off the extra 15 lbs and then get another 30 off as well. It's a little tricky to diet and exercise with a baby and a husband that you also feed. But I'm going to figure something out!
Here's to new beginnings. Happy New Year!
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