Well the last 30 days have been eventful, that's for sure.
We returned from Hawaii around the middle of February and it took a minute to find our routines again and get used to all being in the same house (and having to actually make all our food!). After a week of getting readjusted, my Plexus team was getting all ramped up to push for our goals. Amy and Trina both set a goal to be Ruby by the end of April (100 ordering people each) and I have a goal for Emerald (300 ordering people). I currently have about 200 people ordering in my organization each month, and with Trina and Amy pushing for Ruby, I thought it would be in the bag.
Well, last week of the month, Trina sends me a Marco Polo that she's taking a break. She just moved after living out here in Roosevelt by herself for 10 months (because Steve took a job at eBay after working at Duchesne county for less than a year) and was having a hard time juggling her Plexus business, unpacking, and wanting to spend her evenings with Steve. I should have known that things might change, but I just felt so confident that Trina would be with me all the way to Diamond. Well she told me she needed a break, and I was trying not to freak out, knowing we only have 2 months to get to our goals, and February was likely shot. I thought "Trina changes her mind quickly and can do u-turns often as well, maybe it's just a breather". But I felt in my heart, because of her personality and how she makes decisions, that she was totally done. The next morning she sent me a Venmo request for a refund for Nashville Convention in JUNE, and I knew it was over.
Well that set me into sort of a panic/free fall. I have been working SO hard for SO long with the idea that I would save my family from financial stress and we'd have financial freedom in April. It just seemed so close, but just keeps slipping out of reach.
It was a HUGE disappointment for me, and while initially I was able to be calm and collected, it sent me into a spiral of depression and anxiety. I kept trying to think my way out of the situation and found myself obsessing over it. I was deeply sad, and felt a deep sense of abandonment, and it just lingered. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I stopped being able to function. I couldn't even put together meals or do chores. I couldn't think about anything else. I became anxious about everything and felt hurt about everything.
I poured out my heart to my Heavenly Father, and ironically I felt that this was just an obstacle I was meant to get through, and that it might not look like what I thought it would look, but my job was to have faith and to trust that if it was His will, He would provide a way. I've also realized that the answer isn't to work MORE and HARDER. I was thinking it was up to me to kill myself in my business and keep spending more time and doing more to rescue the situation- but that's not the case! He can do his own work- I just have to do my part and then ALLOW him to do his.
I also met with Melissa Steadman Taylor for the first time. She's a reiki master and an energy worker. I have felt for a long time that I wanted to do some emotional release and trauma release surrounding mom's death, the fatality car accident I witnessed, and abandonment issues. I met Melissa at Brooke's first Gold Retreat in Heber where she came to do yoga and had an interesting experience there with her. Then after talking to Kris Ah Quin about her in Kauai I decided to make an appointment.
Well it was a transformational experience for me. We talked about mom's death, and the guilt I feel for not allowing her to come and witness the birth. She told me she sensed that mom felt lost and lonely- something I totally believe. We talked about abandonment and inter-generational transference of trauma. She asked if I had a grandpa that was dead. After a minute I realized she was likely talking about Reuben Ouzounina. She said she feels like he is very actively involved in watching over and trying to help my family. I don't know much about Reuben, only Mary. But I 100% believe that my mother and myself inherited some trauma from the Armenian genocide, and that deep feelings of abandonment and loss of home are something we've been metabolizing for the last 2 generations. She told me I was a chain breaker or a transitional character for my family and that even though I worry I've passed some abandonment issues on to Levi, that I have years to show him positive energy, and as I heal, he will too.
We talked briefly about the car accident and the misinterpreted motives by Locke's family- how his aunt called me a "bad human". She told me she senses that he watches over my family, especially Caleb. I did and do still feel a connection to him and know that one day his family will understand I only hoped to help.
I still don't know how I feel about emotional release or how she does what she does, but I felt like a million pounds was lifted off my chest after chatting with her. It felt like just acknowledging those issues and naming them was what I needed to be able to let them go. I recorded the last half of the session. I felt only light and peace and help and it was amazingly comforting. I feel inclined to believe that you can recognize spirits by their energy, and that they are invested from the other side in trying to help and heal.
From that point on, the anxiety started to disperse and I began to find my enthusiasm for life again. Caleb's smiles have really been so healing for me. He's so dang cute, and he has 2 bottom teeth and 4 top teeth now- real teeth! The first kid of ours to have normal teeth. He started crawling when he was almost exactly 11 months old, and next week he'll be a year, and is already so close to walking. He sure took his sweet time crawling, but now that he's mobile, he's anxious to walk. He's a vocal and hyper boy- we might have met our match with him. He LOVES zooming around the kitchen and dining room with his walker and running over everyone's feet. He loves eating pouches of sweet potato and trying other new foods. And he's always smiling.
Alida is still a sweetheart- and she knows it. She tests her limits by doing what you JUST told her not to do, and then immediately says "Sorry Mommy!" and smiles sweetly. She's a stinker sometimes. She also can get vicious and has thrown glass bottles and other things and Levi's head a few times when she's fed up with his taunting. She's now fully potty trained, but frequently forgets to wipe or put her underwear back on, so we often have to hassle her to put her underwear on. She's got long beautiful hair, but won't keep her pony tail in to keep it out of her eyes, so she's constantly brushing hair out of her eyes and getting food in her hair. And she's SO clumsy! If there is food, she will knock it on the floor, spill it, dump it and make a general mess. She also falls often and trips on things or knocks things down. I was complaining to Michael on one of our dates about how clumsy she is, and right as I was telling the story, I knocked my drink all over the table. DOH! She obviously gets it from me!It was pretty funny. She's in preschool now and she LOVES it. She had her front two teeth pulled when we got the rest of her teeth crowned because they were beginning to recede back into her gums, so now she's a toothless wonder. But she's pretty cute. She's full of "I love you"s and kisses and hugs every day and is so innocent. I believe she has a hard time getting enough oxygen at night though (sleep apnea) because she is such a light sleeper, and often is really tired during the day. I'm hoping our dentist Tomlinson can develop a mouth piece for her to help pull her jaw forward a little and correct the problem.
Levi is 4.5 and is growing so FAST! He'll be in kindergarten in a few months! He does online preschool with Waterford on his own laptop and is learning syllabals, the alphabet, counting, and also goes to Mrs. Jeri's for preschool every other day. He LOVES learning and his favorite shows are educational- Octonauts about ocean creatures or Story Bots that explains how computers work, how you catch a cold, why you can't always eat just dessert. He also LOVES playing Angry Birds on dad's work phone or any video game. We have to limit his screen time to a couple hours a day or he'd watch TV and pay video games ALL DAY. Already at only 4! He's a smart boy though and asks thoughtful questions about the gospel and about death and being good and returning to Heavenly Father.
Spring is just coming on around here, and I've decided this year we are going to do a garden and spend more time outside as a family. Even if I'm working hard for a work goal, it's still ok to unplug and enjoy my family life. The grass is just barely beginning to turn green, we let the hens out to forage bugs, our horse is in a corral Michael built so we can grow our pasture grass for him, and the 6 goats are enjoying the North East pasture. We have loved being able to go outside again and I'm so looking forward to more time in the sun, especially now that Caleb is a little more mobile.
With that said, I can't finish this entry without mentioning the Coronavirus, that is rapidly becoming a National Emergency. We watched casually as it spread through China and then Italy, and it came to the US and to Utah last week. After reading articles on the exponential spread of the disease and the strain it will have on the medical system, I stopped making fun of the people buying toliet paper, and started to stock up myself and urging people to take it more seriously. As of today, there are only about 25 cases in Utah, but that number doubles about every other day, so it's just a matter of time before it's rampant. It's been declared a pandemic and all schools, work, and gatherings including church and General Conference have been cancelled- first for 2 weeks, and now up to 6 weeks as people are finally beginning to accept the reality of this situation.
We've been on self-quarantine since Wednesday and have only left the house to buy groceries. I feel so much peace though knowing that we are well prepared and that "all is safely gathered in". We have plenty of stock of meat, milk, bread, eggs in our spare fridge and freezer, plenty of pasta, rice, grain and beans, and enough food to last us for a long time. I am so grateful for that. Even diapers, wipes and formula we were able to stock up on before everyone went crazy. Ironically, Caleb's had a high fever for 4 days last week (102.9) but on day 4 it broke and he started acting himself, which I am SO grateful for, because the last thing I wanted to do was kill his immunity with an antibiotic while the coronavirus is about to be rampant.
There's still a large absence of awareness of the problem and a lot of people refuse to stay home or take it seriously, thinking it's a political tactic or fear mongering by the media. I felt that way for a long time as well, until I talked to Trina and started studying about the disease itself and the sheer number and rate of infection and trasnmission- that's when I became really concerned. We are now where Italy was just 10 days ago, and now the have 10,000 cases. It's estimated that a third of the US will get it, and of that 100million, about 5 million will need hospitalization, 2.5 million will need critical care, and anywhere from half a million to a million will die as a result. It's a big deal.
The stock market has been crashing, the Fed slashed rates to .25%, and everyone is feeling unnerved. All the quarantining and calls for increasing measures happened on Thursday and Friday so people are still reeling and I think on Monday and next week and the week after we will see the storm that this virus really is. I hope that it's not as bad as it sounds. But I think we're all going to be shocked at how terrible a plague like this is. I feel prepared now but there are so many who were caught unaware and now it's too late. I hope I and my family have a chance to help and serve those who weren't ready. At the same time I've had to be firm about limiting social contact. People are still going out to eat and getting together for game nights and movies, and I've had to politely decline people coming over a few times. People just don't understand how spreadable it is- and that you can spread it even when you have no symptoms.
Anyway, we'll see how this all unravels. It seems so clear now why the counsel on food storage is so relevant. Why we've been focused on a home-based/church supported curriculum, and how we're being prepared for the Second Coming of Christ. I think this is just the beginning.
Tomorrow is Michael's birthday. He's still going to work right now, although oil is tumbling too with the stock market and is below $30/barrel right now. He doesn't have much if any people contact at his job, so he's not concerned about the illness. But we are concerned about his job. It's only a matter of time before he no longer has employment. I thought for sure that I would save us from this situation with Plexus but maybe Plexus has just been a vehicle to develop my abilities as a leader, in setting goals and receiving personal revelation? I'm not sure. But the truth is I feel like I'm still supposed to continue. I don't know how. Especially without Trina AND when no one in the world is spending money on anything- my whole business might disappear overnight. But I guess the Lord has his ways, and they are mysterious and mightier than me.
Corona Quarantine day 2!
Good night!
