August, September and October

I keep trying to catch up on my journaling by doing one month at a time, but in the meanwhile I let the current month fall behind and the previous months fall further and further behind in my memory. So I'm going to try to just catch the highlights from August, September and October, and then get realtime again with my next entry in November.

August was fair month and also a trip to Bicknell. My sweet husband also recognized that I was about to go crazy not being able to fit into any clothes, even my maternity clothes from the last pregnancy weren't fitting, so we took a trip out to Park City and he bought me some clothes so my busting belly wasn't always hanging out of my pants and shirts. It means so much to me when he takes care of me, even though I'm willing to suffer through it.

Our chickens started laying eggs in August, which was exciting, and our cat Squeaks had another litter of 7 kittens, all of which survived this time. Her first litter all died, which was sad. She wasn't quite sure how to take care of them I think. Well 1 lived- the all black one, but it's tail fell off from frostbite. She's the one we've kept and we call her Stubs.

In Wayne county we went out to collect wood with the whole family. It was really nice to be out in the mountains with Levi and grandma, grandpa and Dusty. We had a good time being up there chopping and loading wood. I love doing those things with Michael's family. I'm so glad Levi has a good family on Michael's side that's close enough to make those kinds of memories.

Michael was also asked to give the baby blessings of Kayla and Kelsie's babies in the Neola ward, so that was bitter sweet. It's been almost a year since Rollo passed away, and he was always the Priesthood holder that did that. I'm glad they can look to Michael for help in that way.

We had another homesteading group in August on guns and home protection that Jason Baker taught, but a bunch of people we didn't really know came and it devolved into a lot of discussion on conspiracy theory- yuck. So I decided to taper the group down a bit to people I know in Duchesne, and try to steer away from those topics as much as possible.

We also got our 20 week ultrasound at the end of August and were absolutely astonished to find out that our little boy was a little girl!! I was so excited! I've wanted a little girl so badly and am so glad that we'll have a little princess joining our family. It's been pretty interesting to think about how my mom must have felt the same way when she had me.

August was pretty heated politically too. A new independent candidate emerged- Evan McMullin, and I came out of my political hibernation to show support for him. Really anyone who isn't Donald Trump at this point could get my vote, but he seems like a pretty decent option. I wouldn't be surprised if he took Utah, he's surging right now in the polls and a lot of Utahn's like him.

Our civil discourse has gotten so heated and hateful lately though, it's been disheartening to watch. People don't know how to respect others with different opinions. They prefer to demean, demoralize and otherwise try to shame those who don't agree with them. It's disheartening to watch, especially among friends. I've been learning a lot about religious freedom and freedom of conscience lately and am realizing that it's in trouble because we don't know how to agree to disagree. Everyone is at each other's throats all the time and everyone is dead set that they are absolutely right as well. I will be so glad when this election is over.

September was a little more eventful- both Dad and David came into town and spent some time with us the first week of September. Dad came up to visit Grandma and Grandpa but stayed with us a whole week, and then David came up to do some training at the University of Utah with some economists and came out for the weekend. It was so good to spend time with both of them. Levi took a little while to warm up to Dad but eventually they were friends. David on the other hand speaks kid fluently and Levi really liked him. I remember that from our time in Missouri as well- David's a natural with kids. I got to talk to Dad about my concerns about David and some other stuff about mom and that was good. He's trying to be as open as possible about our past, he always says "ask me whatever you want", but I just wish he volunteered more information- I don't even know what to ask! I hope that I'm better at storytelling to my kids so they know more about me and our family history.

We went up to Rock Creek with him and did a little hike which we all enjoyed. He always tells us all about the geography of any place we're at and Michael's interested in that kind of stuff so he makes a great audience.

I got to have some really good conversations with David while he was here as well, which helped put me at ease about his spiritual state. He's still angry at a lot of his local leaders that are giving him a hard time about his provacative ways and comments about tithing, women and the church, how home teaching should be done, etc. But he's seeking the spirit of the Lord and eventually I think the Lord will help soften his heart. He's still a grumpy bugger, but he knows how to seek the Spirit, and he has started reading the Book for Mormon again and is getting answers for himself. 

In September we also met up with Melonie and the kids and went to the Utah State Fair. It was fun to see them, but we ended up getting rained out after a few hours. Levi had a good time though. Also got to go out to Carrie Scoresby Todd's baby shower, and to Wen and Brian's reception one weekend, and Levi got to see grandma and grandpa. They sure love him.

In October, our big event was the Roundup. Michael took 3 days off of work and we decided it would be best if he just went down and helped the men on his own. Levi and I went down and spent time with Grandma in Bicknell and it was wonderful. Although we missed dad, it was sure nice to spend some time away from home and with Grandma, whom Levi loves. He also LOVED the 4 wheeler and all the animals and the crunchy fall leaves. It was a wonderful break from the day to day life, and we came home on Wednesday to take care of our animals, and Michael came home on Thursday. He loved being able to spend time with his dad and brothers and cousins. It's been so long since he's been able to do that, and he really appreciated me supporting him that way. I'm so glad that it's a tradition that he can still participate in and be part of. I was surprised that he could ride all day and not be sore after so long of not riding. He had a great time. 

Now we're at the last week of October, and looking forward to Halloween, and then our Anniversary and the holidays. Time is flying by! We've had another couple looks at baby girl and everything seems to be going really well- no high blood pressure or problems otherwise. I am now officially in the last trimester, so 12 more weeks to go! Getting excited, but nervous, for another baby. I really need to start buying her some supplies but my 6 month austerity measures still aren't up. In 2 more paychecks we should have the credit card paid off, and then we'll get an extra paycheck in December for Christmas and baby, but it's cutting it awfully close!

Oh one more news item from the homestead: Our dogs got out of their kennel last night and killed all of our chickens. I wasn't sure how they got past the garden fence in the first place, but it seems like they crawled through a hole in the chicken wire and actually got into their coop while they were sleeping. They were scattered all over the yard and garden when we woke up this morning. I am so sad about it. And ready to be done with these dumb dogs that keep killing innocent animals. :(

Maybe we'll have better luck in the future. 

July: Pregnancy Exhaustion, Reunion with Shin Mi Young

Dear Journal,

Well, I've been looking back at my calendars, pictures and FB to remember what July was like at as I recall it was pretty uneventful and I was struggling a bit with despair. The combination of not having money to do anything, being pregnancy sick and totally exhausted, and mourning the loss of my friendship with Susan Rowser equaled a combination of a difficult month.

There were a few highlights- we went to the Duchesne 4th of July Celebration in the park and Levi had a blast playing with the water from the firehose and meeting the fire fighter mascot dog. But that night he also became very very sick and had a fever the next day. Poor little guy.

At his 1 year check-in Levi weighed 17.5 lbs and was 28 inches tall- the 2nd percentile for both categories. But Dr. Staker isn't worried about him so I've decided not to be either. I like how small he is.

July seemed to be full of depressing news of terrorist attacks almost every single night. And so much anger and contention and bickering about politics. Especially with the fall out with Susan over politics I had been reading and studying about contention and kindness and just started being overwhelmed at all the negativity in the world. I just kind of had to disconnect from all of it and try to find places of peace and comfort. Especially when I'm sad or depressed, it's hard to be surrounded by that kind of stuff.

Lily, one of our two female cats, had a litter of 7 cute kittens on July 2nd. It was so fun to show them to Levi and watch him get all excited about the little furry things. Our chickens started laying eggs too in the middle of July and that was really fun and exciting! Levi loves our animals and they love him. It's fun to watch the hens follow him around hoping he drops some crumbs or something. :)

We also announced in the middle of July that we were expecting our 2nd baby, which we thought was a boy at the time. We got lots of support and excitement from people, and it was a relief to finally be able to tell people why I was MIA all the time!

Probably the highlight of the month was going on a hike up the Rock Creek Reservoir. It felt great to get out, exercise and have some fun. I think I need more of that in my life.

Actually, the highlight was going to see my convert Shin Mi Young and her two daughters that were visiting Utah for a couple of months for an English immersion program. I'm just going to copy here what I wrote on FB about it:

13 years ago I had the sweet experience of teaching this woman the restored gospel of Jesus Christ in Korea. She was baptised right before I completed my mission, one of only 2 families I was able to see come into the church. 2 years later I was able to return to Korea to see her and her family sealed in the Korean Temple. They are a very active and faithful family in the church.

This summer she brought her daughters to Utah for an English study program and I was able to spend some time with them on Saturday.

Something that is really silly about me is that I get so embarrassed of my speaking skills (Spanish and Korean (and English come to think if it)) that often when I hear or see native speakers, I don't say anything at all, for fear it won't be prefect. I struggled with this on my mission as well. My lack of confidence often paralyzed me from even trying. Even still it creates tremendous internal turmoil when the opportunity arises, much like public speaking- it's miserable! So when I heard she was here, I knew I wanted to see her but was worried about how well I'd be able to communicate. I knew I couldn't pass the opportunity up, so we set a date to get together and I started to worry.

As I drove out to see her and her daughters on Saturday, I said many payers that I'd be able to feel calm, and be able to communicate to her my love. Then the thought dawned on me, if I was in a foreign country and nobody spoke my language but somebody came along and spoke some broken English the last thing I would do was think about how poor the English was! I would be just ecstatic that they could communicate at all. I thought about what a comfort it would be to her to finally have somebody in America who would understand her in her native language. So I took courage and went in with love.

Well, just as happened on my mission, my prayers were answered. I remembered much of my Korean and we had such a sweet reunion. One of the tender mercies of the Lord was that one of the first things she said was, "Sister Kay, still to this day, of all the missionaries who have ever come to our ward, you spoke the best Korean of them all!" Although I don't really believe this is true, it gave me the confidence to try. It made me realize what a difference it makes when someone has faith in you! Suddenly you're willing to try things that are scary. Criticism (from self or others) paralyzes. Faith empowers.

I'm so grateful for the wonderful missionary experience I had and for the actual gift of tongues the Lord blessed me with while I was there, and the great faith He had in me. And I'm grateful that even 13 years later He still is willing to help a stumbling return missionary remember Korean to bless both of our lives. Such a tender mercy.

See Yourself in the Temple- NK Sacrament Talk June 11, 2016

See Yourself In the Temple

Sacrament Talk by Nicole Brinkerhoff

June 11, 2016

I shared this on FB about my experience with this talk:

"I was asked to speak to my church congregation today about temples. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and feelings about things that are important to me, but I really don't enjoy that my body usually tries to kill me while teaching/speaking: racing heart, dry mouth, trembling, hyperventilating. Generally my body responds like a bear is trying to eat me and it's full panic mode! Today I really wanted to deliver the message without those things getting in the way so I said a silent, fervent prayer right before I got up: "Heavenly Father, please calm my heart so I can give these remarks with thy Spirit. " I remember as I was closing in the name of Jesus Christ the fact that He has all power and can do all things. Immediately my heart rate started to slow and I began to feel at peace. I was able to share my remarks without rushing or feeling anxious or struggling to breathe, and that's a small miracle for me. I know that prayer works and I am so grateful that we have access to His power if we ask in faith. #HisDay #smallmiracles"

Last Sunday Bishop Gatherum asked me if I would speak on Elder Cook’s most recent conference address about temples-specifically becoming worthy and staying worthy of entering the temple. I’m grateful to be able to speak on this topic because temples are so important in my life, and it’s been a privilege to organize my thoughts on the temple and what it means to me.

First I want to talk about the process of getting to the temple. Then I want to talk about some of the blessings of the temple.

Getting to the Temple

First I want to start with a little personal story. As many of you know, we had our first child about a year ago and he has been the light of our lives. But one thing that has proven harder than I thought is getting to the temple. Getting to the temple is much much harder with a little one in tow - and not because we aren’t willing! We would be willing to drop everything and go at the drop of a hat almost any day, but finding someone to babysit a busy toddler for 6 hours, and funding that endeavor, is difficult!

So often we take him on the road with us to the temple and try to find a relative or friend in that distant city to watch him for a couple of hours while we do a session, instead of the entire 6 hours if we leave him at home. Incidentally, I’m thinking about starting a co-op called Traveling to Temples with Toddlers for Tending. Let me know if you want to join.

Anyway, even with willing relatives and friends in distant cities, temple attendance has still only happened a handful of times since having Levi, although we love going to the temple. So for our anniversary last year, Michael and I decided to go out to the city and drop Levi off at Michael’s aunt’s house and do a temple session at the Oqhuirr Mountain temple. This took tremendous coordination and waiting for days off to line up with their schedule and finally making the trek out there- an all day ordeal. We finally get to Salt Lake and drop Levi off with bottles and diapers and nap instructions and head excitedly to the temple. Going to the temple together is usually the only time we get alone together and I just love it. I love walking up to the temple with my sweetheart and thinking how glad I am that I can be with the man I love in the place that I made a covenant to be his wife for eternity. So we’re reminiscing about our wedding day as we are walking up to the temple, enjoying the beautiful weather and so grateful that all of our sacrifices led us here together, both when we got married and now.  We get to the recommend desk and the gentleman interrupts all our daydreaming when he says, “I’m sorry your recommend just expired 2 days ago.” Just like that. No apology. No I’m so sorry. No suggestion of alternative plans. Just like that and we have to step aside in our shock to let other patrons through.

2 days ago!! I’m thinking, “ There’s gotta be something you can do? Can’t we pull some strings or call someone? I know people in high places!” But I knew it was useless. Despite all of our planning and preparations, we actually were not prepared to enter the temple.  We should have known, we got our recommends 2 years previously when we were married, of course they’d be expiring near our anniversary. But none of that mattered. None of the preparation, planning or significance of the event mattered, all that mattered is that we were no longer “recommended” to enter the House of the Lord, and the wedding party moved on without us. It was that black and white. No previous good behavior. No history. The fact that I was a temple worker for 8 years- none of that mattered. At that moment I was no longer “recommended” to enter the temple.

I will never, as long as I live, forget what it feels like to not be able to have access to that holy place! For a brief second I imagined what it would be like after this life because of my carelessness if I somehow found myself unprepared or unworthy to meet my Father. All of my excuses and all of my good intentions wouldn’t matter if I hadn’t done those things that he had asked me to do to qualify to come into His kingdom. I determined then to never be in a position ever again where I wouldn’t be found worthy to enter into the House of the Lord. It was a bit traumatic!

In thinking about this talk, and about being worthy of entering the temple, I began to think about those who may not have had the opportunity to go to the temple yet, or who have been in the past but not recently.  I think there may be among us some who did at one time but currently do not  have a temple recommend. Either the temple is something new and unknown to those who have recently joined the church, or are just becoming active in the church again after a period away. Or perhaps it is something that has slipped outside of our very busy lives for a time. Or perhaps there have been small things that have gotten in the way of our worthiness and we’ve convinced ourselves it will be too hard to change to qualify for a temple recommend. Or even that we are just not “temple material”, we’re just satisfied with coming to church and that’s probably good enough. Well I’m here to tell you, it’s not enough. Because there is so much more!!!

I was trying to think of an analogy of what it’s like to be a member of the church but not take advantage of the blessings of the temple, and the only thing I could think of was this: It’s like being on a road trip and driving through the desert for hours and hours and hours and hours, just hoping to find some place to stop and rest and get some food. Then out of the blue you find a Dairy Queen in the middle of the desert where there has been nothing for hours. So you pull up…. and decide to go inside and get a glass of luke warm tap water from the bathroom sink. Blech!  Or you decide to just order some fries and drive a way. Can you imagine? What a tragedy!! You can’t go to Dairy Queen in the middle of a desert and not get ice cream!! That’s the best part of Dairy Queen! How can you describe the beauty of a mint oreo shake to someone? How can you convince them of what they’re missing out on? I think I would stand outside that Dairy Queen with a sign and say, “This is the best think that will ever happen to you! There’s nothing better ahead or behind! This will parch your dry lips and fill your bellies with happiness! You just have to order a mint oreo blizzard! I’ll order one for you and we can share it!!”

Of course, that’s not the way that Heavenly Father works, and lucky for all of us I’m not in charge. But sometimes I wish I could help others better understand the sweetness of the temple. It is literally an oasis in the desert. Every temple is a piece of heaven on earth! The blessings of the temple are literally out of this world. There is nothing to compare with it- everything else is just sand and desert. The temple is such a respite for a soul in such a sin-sick world.  It’s a place of refreshment, renewal and eternal perspective.

Sister Jean A Stevens of the General Primary Presidency has said, “As essential and significant as the covenant of baptism is, it is only the beginning—the gate that puts us on the path to eternal life. Ahead on our journey are temple covenants to be made and priesthood ordinances to receive. As Elder David A. Bednar reminds us, “As we stand in the waters of baptism, we look to the temple.” (Sister Jean A Stevens, Covenant Daughters of God)

Likewise, Bonnie Oscarson, YW General President has said

“We believe that this Church is more than just a good place to go on Sundays and learn how to be a good person. It is more than just a lovely Christian social club where we can associate with people of good moral standing. It is not just a great set of ideas that parents can teach their children at home so they will be responsible, nice people. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is infinitely more than all of these things….We believe that priesthood power makes it possible to make covenants and receive ordinances in holy temples that will someday enable us to return to the presence of God and live with Him forever. We also claim that, through this power, families can be bound together for eternity when couples enter the new and everlasting covenant of marriage in sacred buildings that we believe are literally the houses of God….We believe that these distinguishing features can be found in no other place or organization on this earth. As good and sincere as other religions and churches are, none of them have the authority to provide the ordinances of salvation that are available in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”

The fact that we have temples and that we are members of Christ’s church when we can take advantage of these saving ordinances is amazing!! When I honestly think about it, I wonder if there is a person on this planet who wouldn’t want to be part of an eternal family, including being sealed to a a loving father and mother, and having an eternal family of their own- with a loving companion and children. Is there anyone you know who wishes they could be alone forever? Or that doesn’t hope to find a companion that will stay by their side forever? The temple fulfills the longing of the human heart and helps us to reach our highest, divine potential. It points us and schools us in the kind of character that God has through sacred covenants, and brings peace, power and perspective in our lives.

In his talk, Elder Cook said:

“My challenge this morning is for each of us, wherever we live, to see ourselves in the temple. President Monson has stated: “Until you have entered the house of the Lord and have received all the blessings which await you there, you have not obtained everything the Church has to offer. The all-important and crowning blessings of membership in the Church are those blessings which we receive in the temples of God.”

He continues:

“It is our great desire that members of the Church will live to be worthy of a temple recommend. Please don’t see the temple as some distant and perhaps unachievable goal. Working with their bishop, most members can achieve all righteous requirements in a relatively short period of time if they have a determination to qualify and fully repent of transgressions. This includes being willing to forgive ourselves and not focus on our imperfections or sins as disqualifying us from ever entering a sacred temple.”

“Please know how earnestly we desire that everyone make any necessary changes to qualify for the temple. Prayerfully review where you are in your life, seek the guidance of the Spirit, and talk to your bishop about preparing yourself for the temple. President Thomas S. Monson has said, “There is no more important goal for you to work toward than being worthy to go to the temple.” Elder Cook

Our leaders are pleading with us to come to the temple. They know how good the blizzard is and they want us to enjoy it to!

I knew a mission president who, when asked how do you prepare to go to the temple? Said, “I pick up my bags, and I go.” In other words, he is always ready and worthy to go to the temple.

I would also like to extend that same invitation to you again today to prepare to go to the temple. And if you’re already temple worthy, think not just about yourself but those over whom you have a stewardship- whether Home and Visiting teaching or through other church callings. Think if there are those in your stewardship who have not yet or are not currently enjoying the blessings of the temple. How can you help them?

I challenge you to think about what it may be that is holding you or them back, and find a way to counsel with the Bishop. The Bishop is not just there to sit in judgment or to condemn you. He is your friend, he is a servant of the Lord, and here is there to gently help and guide you, if you want the help. He’s not scary. He doesn’t bite. J Sometimes the hardest part is just taking the first step. So determine that you will go and talk to the Bishop by a certain date. Then just do it. Or in the case of those in your stewardship- consider ways you can help point them to the temple- whether sharing the blessings and happiness you experience because of those covenants, helping them get to the temple if it’s been a long time, or supporting those who are struggling to overcome bad habits. The Lord will help us and pour out His power as we determine to get our lives in order to get to his house.

Blessings of the Temple

Next, I want to talk a little bit about why the temple that mean the most to me. Think for a minute what your life would be like without the temple. What is it about the temple that means the most to you?

Now this is going to get a little personal so I hope it doesn’t make any of you uncomfortable, but this is where the rubber hits the road for me, and where all of those ideal and fluffy things we talk about in church become a reality..

Last year, almost exactly one year ago, I was very pregnant and generally miserable Levi. I had Toxemia or preeclampsia, meaning that my blood pressure was sky high, and that my body generally  was not handling the pregnancy well. I went to the hospital every other day to be hooked up and monitored to determine how things were going with the baby. I went in that Monday morning for an NST and my blood pressure was very high. My doctor determined then that things with the pregnancy were getting too risky and it would be in the best interest of both me and the baby to be induced 3 weeks early. My mom had been pestering me non-stop about when the baby would come and was so happy to offer me advice and tell me how being a mother changed her life, how she couldn’t wait for me to be overcome for love for my little boy like she had been for us.

 So after the appointment I texted my mom. In my text I simply said, “Mom I just wanted you to know that we will be having a baby on Thursday!”. I never heard back from her, which I thought was strange.  Later that day I received a call that my mother had been found dead in her home. She had passed away earlier that day and never received my text.

When you receive a call like that, all of a sudden, it all really matters what you really believe. I had sung “Families can be together forever” from the time I was a young child, and remember feeling the spirit for the first time when singing that song in primary. I remember when my family and I sang “Teach me to walk in the Light” together in sacrament meeting, and knowing then that I would always have a family. I remember when my mom kneeled down with my dad in front of the Dallas Temple and looked into my 12 year old eyes and said, “I want you to know we will always be a family.” And I knew it was true. I felt it in my heart.  But what about now? What about when you get the call that your mom is gone. Was it really true? Would I really see her again? The power and perspective of the temple really matters the most when life gets really hard. And the hard questions come. I was so glad in that moment that I really knew that I would see my mom again. I had both the power, peace and perspective I needed at the moment of crisis.

My testimony of the temple and eternal families has meant more to me this year than ever before in my life. That belief and knowledge that I have that she still lives, and that Heavenly Father can heal all heart breaks and wounds from this life, is what sustains me day to day. It means everything to me.

Recently a friend suggested to me that others were worried about me- worried that I wasn’t handling my mom’s death well and that I was probably on the verge of a breakdown. I remember feeling strange that others would think that way about me because I certainly do not feel that way. I’m certainly not perfect and I definitely have my moments of hardship. But I don’t feel hopeless, or depressed or angry. Why? Because of the strength and peace and perspective the gospel brings and because of my temple covenants. Temple covenants literally have given me the strength to endure.  I can honestly say that the peace, power and perspective that the temple covenants bring have guided my thoughts and footsteps every day since that tragedy. There is also great sadness as I mourn the loss of my mom, but there is not fear or anger or depression, at least not that lasts long. In fact, there has been so much happiness this last year, despite this great tragedy.

I recently petitioned the First Presidency on behalf of my mother to be rebatized into the church. It was the last thing she wrote before she died, “Nicole please do my temple work for me.”

As I’ve humbly sought answers and gone to the Lord and our Stake President for counsel, and gone through the process of requesting permission to do her ordinances, I have found peace in the temple covenants we have made as a family. I know that even though I don’t understand how everything will work out in the end, that it will.  That I am sealed to an eternal family. And I know because I entered a temple of God with Michael that I have my own eternal family as well, and will have an eternal companion by my side always. I know because we were sealed there that my baby boy Levi will be mine forever, if I live worthy. And those promises and those relationships mean everything to me.

The temple is the one place on this earth where eternal families are made. And it is the only place on this earth where all the ordinances of salvation can be found. There is so much more to this church than just church on Sunday! The temple is the great symbol of our membership. There is nothing in the world more important than getting our lives in order to be able to qualify for those blessings. I can’t imagine how unbearably difficult the loss of a loved one or family member would be without the peace and power that comes from knowing I have made eternal covenants that mean I will see them again, and that they will always be part of my family.

I never want to be found unprepared to go to the temple or left outside the door and locked out of all the wonderful blessings that the Lord has to offer! He has offered us so much- we just have to decide that we want it, and He will send legions of angels- both here and from the other side- to help us get it.

I know these things are true. I know the temple is the House of the Lord. I know the most important thing we could do in our lives is qualify to be there, and help those around us do the same.

June: Summer of Austerity

Going to Alaska definitely started our summer with a bang. But it also put us into debt, and we determined paying it off was a priority above all else. We had about $2500 to pay off. Well, we are living really tightly right now. Michael makes about $80k/year at Newfield, which is a great salary, and twice as much as a teacher or cop or other people in our ward that have to have 2 incomes to make that much. However, his take home is only about half of that, or $4000/month because of taxes, 401k (we are also aggressively investing in our 401k since Newfield matches up to 8%- so that's about $500/month), and HSA deductions ($300/month to cover our $3000 annual deductible and other costs). Also we've decided to have a 15 year mortgage to pay off our house as soon as possible, which means our mortgage of $1300/month takes up about a third of our take home pay each month.  Our bills/utilities usually cost about $800/month, and our tithing is about $700/month. So that leaves about $800 a month for food, gas, baby supplies, projects, etc. We actually automatically pay $300/month to an account of MB's so that he can decide  how to use it for projects, etc.

The point is, in any given month, I have $500 to pay for groceries, gas and anything else. And that means there's never anything left! So trying to pay off $2500 with $0 is hard! And we hate that we have that debt. So we've tightened our belt as much as we possibly can to only bare essentials- nixing a camping trip because we can't afford to fill up the pick up or get propane. Living off of food storage food, not going on trips, not buying gifts. No improvement projects, etc. Our goal was to pay $700 a month for 4 months and pay it off in time for Christmas. But MAN has it been hard to have NO wiggle room!! It means we just stay home on Michael's days off, don't go on dates, have to wait to go to Costco for things, and using up all of our extra stuff- TP, dishwashing soap, etc. We are down to bare bones!! But I've been proud that we've been able to stick to it each month since July. We've still had to use the credit card for some essentials when we are down to nothing, but we are really learning to live much more cheaply than I ever have.

It's been really hard though. I've decided that we are NEVER going to go on a trip or buy something until it's paid for up front again because it's so HARD to get out of debt now! There were also a couple of other things we had to put on the credit card- a repair for our truck that ended up costing $1200 unexpectedly, and some pavers we bought at half price but didn't have the money for that was $800. So it's been an uphill battle paying that off. And it's meant that our summer has been boring!

But considering I was pregnant, and much sicker than I was ever with Levi, that was ok. I had enrolled Levi in swimming lessons where we would go 4 days a week for 3 weeks, and some mornings it took all I had to get out the door with him because I would feel so nauseous. This pregnancy has been totally different with Levi in that sense- I felt queasy very very often and would be so tired in the morning and evenings. Because I didn't really have morning sickness with Levi, I was kind of surprised by it all. I had to stay home from church a couple of times and cancel on activities and visits as well, but no one knew why. I finally told Deb so she would know what the deal was, and then Kelly Ann. But no one else really knew. But it was good timing since we didn't really have many plans anyway, I could just stay home and rest.

I was asked to speak on Temples in church and becoming temple worthy. That was a good experience for me, especially since it was around the time of mom's 1 year death anniversary. Preparing and then sharing my testimony of the reality of temple covenants and forever families was really good for me. I'll post the talk here for reference. Sweet Teressa Guest came by on the 22nd with a little sunshine basket. She's so sweet. I figured no one in the world would remember that day as the one that my mom passed away. Grieving can feel so lonely. It meant the world that she remembered and came over and visited with me. She's a good friend.

We went on one camping trip to Starvation Reservoir in June, that's only about 15 minutes from our house and just for 1 night.


Then Katie McKinney Strickland and her hubby Spencer came and stayed with us as well, which was so very nice. They're still struggling with infertility, but Spencer recently got lapband surgery and has lost a ton of weight. He was like 600 lbs. and now is just over 200. Katie recently had it performed as well and she is REALLY hoping it will be the key for her being able to get pregnant. I hope so too, infertility is SO hard and it has been so hard on her. I hope more than anything that they can have children. I sure love her!



In June Kim and I also planned on getting makeovers for Mother's Day. Michael paid for mine and wanted me to do something that would make me feel pretty. Well Morgan Fabrizio did a great job! We had a great time and the pictures turned out great!

It was also Levi's birthday in June. I didn't plan anything extravagant for him because I think those kinds of parties are more about parents than they are the kids. But we did build him a sandbox in a little tent that he loved for like $30, and we had the neighbors over and had cupcakes on his birthday and he did a great job smashing the cupcake all over his face. He loved it. Grandma Pam also came and gave him some neat toys, and his cousins James and Brinlee stopped by and gave him some toys too. He's a pretty loved little boy :)

And here's just a couple of shots of every day life.
Levi's first selfie (obiously mom was totally unprepared- no makeup at all! But look at Levi's smile! He loved it!) and a typical summer sunset.

We love our little corner of paradise. Also look how small our trees were! They've grown a lot this summer. :)

End of May: Alaska!

Dear Journal,

Pregnancy Drama

Well, I've debated several times about removing the last half of my last entry, but it's been such a defining point in my life this year. But man, what a dramatic 3 months! In retrospect, I am positive that pregnancy hormones played a large part in the whole scenario. I didn't know that I was pregnant at the time, and I found out immediately after I had taken some medication to induce a period, which Dr. Williams was very clear not to take if I was pregnant. Well with PCOS you never know when your cycle will end, and I was on day 38 already and had taken 2 pregnancy tests that came back negative. Just to make sure though I paid the extra money for a good one that tests 5 days early, and after 2 minutes it came back negative, so I just took the Provera. But then when I went back to look at it later that evening, there was a faint positive line. Oh to drama!! Both the possibility of being pregnant and accidentally terminating that pregnancy both at the same moment. I debated about whether I was just seeing things, but the same thing had happened with Levi- such a very faint line. I sobbed thinking that I had just taken a medication that would terminate a pregnancy, I was a mess! I went to talk to Kelly Ann that night, to apologize for the whole Facebook debacle and confided in her about the pregnancy test and the drugs and she told me to talk to her brother Wade, the pharmacist (since it was a Friday evening and so everything was closed of course). He was very kind and did some research for me and found out that Provera was a relatively benign teratogen, and was basically just progesterone. He advised that I not take any more and retake the pregnancy test in a couple of days.

Well, let me tell you what, when you think you might be pregnant but you aren't sure, you take like 4 tests a day! And most of them came back negative, but every now and then, one had a faint line. So I decided to just wait it out and see what happens. Afterall, if I wasn't pregnant my period would come eventually.

Well, I had forgotten that I had made an appointment months ago to see Dr. Nolte, just to see how much of a wait there was. Turns out my appointment was the following Tuesday. But when I got there I had forgotten that I cancelled the appointment when I went in to see Dr. Williams and get the fertility meds. Well they were nice enough to get me in anyway but Tina at the front desk wrote me an order to do a blood test for pregnancy. That would put it to rest once and for all- but I had spent the last few days convincing myself I wasn't pregnant so that I wouldn't be disappointed.

Well I went to get the blood test and then when I came back to get the results, they handed me like 10 pages of graphs and technical information. I had no idea what it all meant, so I took it back to the front desk and asked her if someone could tell me if I was pregnant or if I needed to see the doctor for that. She looked at it, stepped out for a minute, went and got this spinning wheel chart and said, "Jan 18th". I said, for what? I'm pregnant?! She said yes and I was in total shock. I started crying right there at the front desk, and she handed me a tissue. I couldn't believe it! I called Michael and told him and thus began our second journey with pregnancy. I was indeed pregnant.

Now, looking back I realize that I really do struggle with anxiety in pregnancy, especially the first trimester. Not anxiety about the pregnancy or baby, but anxiety about what others think of me. With Levi I had serious anxiety at Wells Fargo about what my boss and co-workers thought of me- so much so that it was totally debilitating and I had to go on short-term disability. I'm not sure why that is, but it means I spend ridiculous amounts of time thinking about what others have said, what I should have said, not being able to sleep at night, racing thoughts, etc. It's really miserable and it totally negatively magnifies and exasperates situations that would otherwise normally just roll of my back. So the last 3 months have been rough, trying to deal with all of that and just heal and move on and forget about it. I've been tortured by the whole Susan Rowser situation and have had a hard time forgetting about what she said and moving on. It's been really hard. I probably should have gone to see a counselor or something, but I just waited it out, hoping that Alaska would be the reset I needed.

Alaska

I was really excited for the end of May to go to Alaska because really needed a break from life and needed to get a break from thinking about everything! I hoped that Alaska would be the breath of fresh air I needed and kind of a reset.

Well, it was quite the trip. I understand now why people don't travel with infants. Levi was 10.5 months and just barely walking, but was old enough now to really not enjoy an airplane flight. Our first flight was not a red eye, but it got us in at midnight Anchorage time, or 2am our time, so Levi was pretty tired. AND we discovered that I had made a mistake with the rental car and had reserved it for the day before at 12am. Shoot! So they didn't have a car for us and I felt like a total idiot. Luckily our hotel had a shuttle, but we were all so exhausted. We checked in at our nasty hotel right by the airport (you get what you pay for I guess- spiders everywhere and drippy faucets) and found out they didn't have a pack n' play like they said they would when I called ahead. Wonderful. So Levi slept in the bed with Michael and I, which means neither of us got much sleep. I got up early to make another car reservation and then took a shuttle to an in-town place, which ended up saving us quite a bit of money, which was a nice perk. I let Michael and Levi sleep as long as they could, although Levi woke up around 9am. We got some breakfast at McDonalds, and then went to see Shug and Paul.

Tuesday May 24th- First day in Alaska. Shug has twins!! I stopped following her blog awhile ago so I just discovered a few months ago that she and Paul, after 3 rounds of IVF, had 2 beautiful babies- Esmae and Ezra. Shug seemed tired about it all- and who wouldn't be? I can BARELY handle one! I honestly cannot imagine twins. It used to be my dream but now I know how very VERY hard it would be. Esmae was outgoing and happy and Ezra very shy. Levi LOVED playing with their toys and loved having friends. If it were up to him, we would have stayed all day. It was good to visit with Shug but things felt just a little bit off. Paul came home for a bit and we chatted, but I almost felt like we overstayed our welcome. So we left after a couple of hours.


We then went to see Mitch and Natalie Sego. They were flying out that day to Utah, ironically, but I wanted to say hi at least. They also had a pack and play they said we could borrow for Levi, so we went by and chatted for 30 minutes. Mitch was, as always, very gregarious and made Michael feel very comfortable. Michael really liked them both. I wish we could have spent more time. After visiting with them and picking up the Pack N' Play, we went by Wal-Mart to get some staples, and headed to John and Leila Knowles for dinner. They are such a sweet family! They let me stay with them when I came to visit in 2012. I never was very tight with Leil when I lived in Alaska, but they have been such good friends since, coming to see me in Utah, sending us a wedding gift, and always anxious to see me when I come to Alaska. John and Leila are much more reserved and quiet than Mitch and Natalie, but it puts you at ease too. Their kids are super cute, and she just had a 3rd little baby. We enjoyed the time with them.

Went back to our nasty hotel for the second night and put Levi in the Pack N' play, and all of us finally got some sleep.


Wednesday May 25th- We had to get up early to head off to Denali for the day- we were doing the Husky Homestead Tour at 12pm but it's a 3.5 hour drive. So we got on our way about 8am and finally out of that gross hotel. I was excited to finally get out and start seeing Alaska and because we were staying in the Princess McKinnley Lodge Tuesday night which is a super nice hotel outside of Talkeetna.

We headed out on the Parks Hwy and stopped a few places- like the trade post Wal Mike's outside of Talkeetna, but mostly were just trying to get there. I forgot how kind of boring that drive is- you don't see much except for a cooridor of trees most the time. We got into the main area of Denali just in time to grab a Subway sandwich, change Levi, and hop on the bus to Jeff King's home. You can't really see anything from the highway so I was surprised when we turned into the little subdivision where his homestead was to see how many houses there were. 

We mostly picked our activities based on what I thought Levi would like, but I just did not take into account that likely he would be tired, grumpy and just want to run around the whole time. So even though they had puppies we could hold, he was not really impressed. One of the dogs was totally fascinated by Levi and barked through the whole presentation, until they had to remove him. I thought it was because he liked kids but it turns out it was because he thought he'd be a great snack! Yikes!





Anyway, finished that tour, got Levi a little sled dog stuffed animal, and headed back to Denali. It was kind of rainy and overcast so it wasn't really great weather for hiking or anything. Plus we were excited to get to the lodge, so after stopping briefly at the Denali NP Visitor Center, we headed back to the hotel for our 4pm check in. We found out our room was on the second floor, so we asked for one on the first floor so we didn't  have to haul ALL our luggage up the stairs (no elevator). Well that took forever, but we finally settled in and took showers and got ready for dinner. Levi hadn't really slept in the car like we hoped, and 6pm was our dinner reservation, but also Levi's bed time. So we took him in the stroller and hoped we could somehow get him to fall asleep. Well we ended up taking turns strolling him around the grounds while waiting over an hour for our food. We got mixed in with a massive load of cruise ship passengers so we weren't too impressed with the crowds and the wait or the service. But oh well. After dinner we took Levi to the room and put him to bed, and although he protested a bit, he finally fell asleep. Michael and I were finally able to relax a little and sit out on the lawn. Michael spotted (well heard first) a mamma moose with 2 moose calf babies in the forrested area outside our room, so that was fun to see. He pointed it out to some foreigners and they loved it. We spent some time just sitting outside and enjoying the sun late into the evening.

Thursday- We called and asked for a late check out on Wednesday so we could enjoy the grounds a little bit. We got breakfast at a cafe there and then went on a little hike around the grounds and introduced Levi to a playground and slides. His dad took him up and down and he just loved it. Oh the joy of a child.
 

We got back to our room to realize they didn't approve a late checkout and we were already an hour past check out. Michael was stressed that we inconvenienced them and we got out of there as fast as possible.

Stopped by Talkeetna for lunch- such a cute little town. Also went to go  see Bethanie Jimenez, who had just had a baby 3 days earlier! It was so fun to catch up with her and see her cute little family.

Headed back to Wasilla to see David and Jennifer Eastman. We took a stroll to an icecream parlor down the street and chatted politics and then headed out. We got to the Hilton around 7pm, checked in, and decided to go for a swim. Enjoyed the pool for a few minutes and then decided we needed to get something to eat. Pulled into the DQ about 3 minutes before closing, grabbed some burgers, and headed back to put Levi to bed. We were all exhausted, but Levi seems to come alive when we put him in his pack n' play. I know he's tired to but he found a way to babble at us and cry for over an hour, even with the room pitch dark. Silly kid.

Friday-  I had been kind of disappointed in the wow factor of Alaska so far- I don't know what I was expecting but I just wanted to see the best of everything! But we didn't get to see Denali, we only saw 1 small moose, and it all just seemed a little boring. So I was really excited to go down the Turnagain arm and see all the beauty there and stay in Aleyeska. But again, I forget how hard it is to travel with a toddler when your full focus really has to be on their needs, and riding in the car all day wasn't Levi's idea of fun, no matter how beautiful the scenery. But we still managed to enjoy ourselves. We went to the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center, to the Portage Glacier, and stoped at all the little lookouts along the way. We debated going to Whittier but Levi was so tired from not sleeping at night, and wouldn't take a nap in the car. So we decided to check into Alyeska at 3pm and just enjoy the hotel grounds in Girdwood.













Once at Alyeska we decided to go on a little hike and had a great time. We literally almost ran into a bull moose on the trail, and Levi enjoyed the running water and some shade. It was a good little activity.


That night we decided to try to find something cheap to eat in town and we found like the mother of all playgrounds in Girdwood. Levi LOVED it. It was a good way for him to have some fun and for us to relax. It was nice to be out of the car for a little bit too. Michael is such a good Dad to Levi. He always takes the time to play with him and make sure he's having fun. He goes up and down slides with him all day long and just really enjoys playing with him. Levi loves it.

Saturday- Saturday was our last tourist day and we were kind of sad to leave Alyeska- we really enjoyed Girdwood and the grounds around the resort. Our tour was at 10am and we were in such a hurry to get on the boat that somehow we forgot Levi's formula for his bottles. It was a 8 hour cruise so he was pretty miserable wanting a bottle and wanting a nap but not being able to have either. We tried to make the best of it, but stressful to have such a miserable kid. This picture pretty much sums up the day for him: so tired.


We saw sea lions and glaciers, but no puffins or whales. It was still too early in the season for that. We went to Fox Island for a steak and lobster lunch, but the meat was subpar and we spent the time chasing Levi around. :/ Oh well.

 In retrospect, we saved a little bit of money by going early to Alaska, before official tourist season began, but we also missed most of the wildlife- the salmon running, the whales, the puffins, all of the things that Alaska is famous for. Although it's a pain to compete with the crowds, I think I'd do it different next time.





We got done with the cruise about 5pm and headed back to Anchorage to get to our hotel about 8pm. We were exhausted and I was looking forward to a nice Sheraton hotel stay, but our room still had trash and other people's hair in it. :/ So much for 4 star! We set up the pack n'play and were sure Levi would go right to sleep, but again, despite the light blocking curtains, Levi thought it was time to play. Little stinker!



Sunday: Sunday was our last day in Alaska and we planned to just go to church, have dinner with a friend and wait for the flight. We found out later that our scheduled flight was actually 12:35AM Sunday, or in otherwords the Saturday night red-eye, and we totally missed it. But we ended up figuring it out (no one ever let me book anything that leaves or arrives at midnight anymore please.)

Went to Wendy Somsen Fries church because it started later so we could take our time getting out the door and go to see the temple. I actually had run into Wendy at Moose's Tooth earlier in the week, which was random, and asked her when her church was. It was good to see her and talk to her, especially since we had recently had a little run in over Donald Trump on FB. Stupid politics.




Went to Joanna's house- or rather a house she was house sitting at, for a pizza and salad dinner. Spent a couple of hours with her, completely forgetting to look up Jody Best! It was nice to have a relaxing evening though, until I realized we had missed our flight. Then I spent the time on the phone trying to not have to pay $800 to fly out that night. I ended up having to just pay the change fee, but still like $200. LAME. But atleast we had a nice place to hang out for the evening.



We ended the evening by going to a park off the coastal trail, turning in our rental car, and hoping we could get seats together on our "new" flight. Well, no such luck. But Levi did ok just sleeping on me. It was still a pretty long and restless flight, but we made it.

So that was the Alaska trip. While we enjoyed it, I learned that I need to lower my expectations and pace when traveling with a toddler and plan more down time and time not traveling. I also learned that even if you get super cheap flights, everything else is going to cost an arm and a leg! We ended up spending about $200/night on hotels, and about $1000 for our tours and food. Way more than we had budgeted. And I'm still getting used to not having enough discretionary income to just do stuff like that. I can't just pay off the credit card with one paycheck now- it takes a long time! But I'm glad we went and had that experience together as a family.