Well I had a goal of writing once a month and here we are almost 2 months since the last entry! (May 19th)
There's so much to catch up on!
We really enjoyed Easter and had our 3rd Annual Eggstravaganza and Roller Derby at our house with the Nye's and the Birds. It's fun to have the kids decorate eggs and have the adults get all competative with the egg rolling competition. Amerie Nye won this year.
Michael and I went to our Republican Caucus meeting on March 22nd and both ended up being elected for an office. He's now the Precinct Chair and I won State Delegate against Guy Taylor- which was a big surprise considering how long he's been around and how many people know him. But he was a good sport about it, and even came out to the convention to help out. He was the State Delegate last year and I was the alternative so I was glad I got a shot at things.
But man, talk about an intense month. The Republican State Convention was at the end of April, which meant candidates for all offices open for re-election (US House, Utah House seats, Governor, State Auditor, and National Delegates for the Presidential Nominating Convention in Cleveland) all had just 4 weeks to campaign and win the votes of some 4,000 delegates in Utah. I've never had so many emails, phone calls, video conference invitations, event invitations, etc. in my life. Plus State Delegates had to choose National Delegates to go to the Republican Nominating Convention in Ohio to vote on the Presidential nominee and that was a zoo. I was part of a FB page for delegates as well and it was just a total constant feed of information and people trying to win my vote!
I took very seriously the responsibility of vetting all candidates, even the 46 people we would chose to go to Cleveland to vote for the Presidential race on behalf of Utah. I took a lot of time finding those who reflected the will of the People of Utah and would Vote Cruz, in several rounds even at a contested convention, and took special care to chose candidates who weren't big name politicians. Well it turned out all to be for naught because the official "Ted Cruz slate" of candidates that their campaign chose where the only ones who were elected to go. That was disappointing because I realized that the convention delegates weren't that different from the public at large- unwilling to put in the time to do their own research and voting based on name recognition and flashing lights instead of truly vetting the candidates. Oh well. It was a good, yet intense experience. I got to know Wade Poulson pretty well during the whole debacle and although he's a Donald Trump supporter and we couldn't be more different in our opinions, I learned a lot from him about disagreeing without being disagreeable and discoursing in a way that makes people feel non-defensive, even in emotionally charged conversations. He's been a great example to me.
We had our first homesteading group on raising chickens. Cynthia Poulson did a bang up job with a PPT presentation on everything chickens. About 10 people came and it was a great time. Our chickens are doing well and are now out in their new fancy coop and run that Michael built at the end of the garden. It's so fun to watch them grow and explore. There's 8 of them- 2 Rhode Island Reds, 2 Buff Orpintons, 2 Red Sex-links, and 2 Leghorns. They should start producing eggs in October. :)
I had a few pretty emotional days in April. About mid-April I had a total break down about mom. I just was feeling so weighed down by guilt about all the things I hadn't done for her. Going through her journals has made me realize she was just like me- so loyal to the gospel and positive and looking for the best in every situation, even when things were hard. I have felt so guilty for treating her so poorly and not putting in the effort to see her differently. I finally called up Susan Rowser one night and asked her if she would just be a sounding board. I just unloaded everything about how I was feeling and just cried about it all. It felt so good to just tell someone and just feel for a minute. And she was just an angel and listened and cried with me and said all the right things. It was just what I needed and I'll forever be grateful to her for being there for me. It was really a turning point for me.
I also hosted my first cooking group at my house and we had Indian Tandoori Chicken and Naan bread with rice and Susan Rowser made Chicken and Wild Rice Soup and Teressa Guest made cupcakes. It was nice to eat good food and just chat. I enjoy socializing like that. We had our second cooking group just yesterday and Teressa hosted an Italian lunch with lasagna. She set our her whole fancy China set for us and it was awesome. I love learning from other people.
I started meeting with Pres. Young in April about Mom's temple ordinances. He wasn't sure of the exact process so I gave him a couple of weeks to do his research and then met with him again. He told me that I would send in the letter that I wrote, along with Grandma Schoening's letter, to the First Presidency, and that they would do the ordinances. I had a lot of questions about that, but he didn't know much more than that. But he gave me the number of someone in the temple department that I was able to call and talk to about the process. Apparently if a member was endowed, then excommunicated and their family requests rebaptism, those ordinances are actually performed by the Salt Lake Temple Presidency, not the family. A letter is sent granting approval of ordinances, and then a letter is sent afterward once the ordinances have been performed. I was a little bummed about this because I really hoped to be able to have the experience of doing mom's ordinances for her, and feeling her spirit in the temple. Grandma Schoening had also expressed that she'd be willing to fly out to help participate in the ordinances, so I'm sad that I'll have to tell her she can't do that.
Another hard part about this process is communicating with David. He's so antagonistic about the church and believes that he's entitled to answers for all of his questions. He doesn't believe the way the church is handling mom's ordinances is "doctrinal based" and he intends to petition to be present for the performance of the ordinances. I told him that the woman in the temple department said she wasn't a policy expert and that he should talk to his Stake President. Gratefully, he accepted that answer and will pursue his many questions with his leaders. I hope that one day he stops being so angry at the church. I pray for it often. His company that he moved to Charlotte for has recently dissolved and he's the last one on the payroll. He's looking for a new job again. They've asked us to pray for them, but I can't help but feel that it's hard to ask the Lord for financial blessings when you're not willing to pay tithing. That's probably the wrong thing to think, but it makes me sad to watch him lose faith. I wish I had a more perfect love that was unaffected by people's decisions.
Probably the biggest thing that has happened lately that is affecting me is my political battles. I so dislike Donald Trump. I am absolutely aghast that he is the Republican candidate. I honestly feel so out of touch and isolated from the millions of people who like him, and honestly can't understand why others don't feel that character, civility, integrity, etc. are essential qualities for a presidential candidate. I can't believe we passed over people like Ben Carson and Ted Cruz for someone like Donald Trump. Anyway, I've posted so much on social media and have gotten quite a bit of backlash. People from around here started posting their support of Trump, like Susan Rowser, Mary Hicken, Kelly Ann Hatch, Ruth Poulson, Sue Harris, etc. This has been disturbing to me to say the least! I wrote a follow-up post to those who had expressed support for Trump and tagged them all, and it ruffled some feathers to say the least. Everyone went on the defensive and I had to spend days apologizing, back peddling, and patching up relationships with people like Mary Hicken, Kelly Ann, Wendy Somsen Fries, Sue Harris, etc. And even at that I don't think I finished the job. I took the post down ultimately but the damage had been done.
Well, ironically, Wade Poulsen, who also supports Trump, weighed in and although we have totally different veiwpoints, his dialogue has always been respectful and validating. Although we completely and totally disagree, I always come away feeling better understood and respected. My friendship with him has grown through our political dialogues, something entirely opposite of my experience with everyone else. I wish I had the same gift as he does of disagreeing without being disagreeable. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
Well, the day that Ted Cruz dropped out of the race, I posted about how bummed and depressed I was. Susan Rowser again posts "I never liked him anyway.", to which Kelly Ann, Mary Hicken and all the others like her comment. Well that just ruffled my feathers! So I responded, civilly but directly. I mentioned each of them in my comment. Well this offended Kelly Ann, who wrote me a curt message "Please keep my name out of your public rants!" to which I finally got the nerve to respond "Kelly Ann, if you respond on my status, I have the right to respond to you. If you don't want to be in comments, don't participate in the discussion". I thought that I handled that well because I honestly feel bullied by Kelly Ann at times, who has yelled at me several times in the past and I've never responded. I think that was actually good because when I went to respond later, she said it helped her to see my point of view. I think we patched things up well. But again, I took the post down just in case.
The worst part came later in the evening. Susan sent me this long text about how I better watch myself and stop picking fights with people who weren't picking fights with me. Of all the nerve! When she's the one always being the contrarian on my status and going after people who agree with me. I was so bugged that she would presume to give me advice in the situation, especially when I had had several people comment about how rude and aggressive she seemed on my statuses and I defended her, that I just let her have it! Well I was sick, I was WAY moody, and I just let it fly. I said I wasn't picking a fight, I was just addressing those who were opposing me, and if they didn't want that attention, they shouldn't pick sides in a debate! And all I said about the three of them was that we would have to agree to disagree. The rest was directed at Susan, who said she's always up for a good debate. Well things just went down hill from there. She unloaded all of the "constructive criticism" she could muster, including things like, "You try too hard. You're so busy being busy that you don't just let things happen. Don't push. Don't try to control everything. Let others handle stuff. Trust others. You're stretching yourself too thin. You can't be the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect homemaker, perfect missionary, perfect RS counselor, perfect political delegate. Pick 2 or 3 things and slow down and focus. You're controlling and pushy." etc. etc. etc.
I said, "I don't feel like I"m trying to be perfect in those things. I mean those are all things I care about and I try my hardest when I care about something. What makes me seem stressed or makes people worry?"
She said, "You try to control everything. You think that if you don't do it then it won't get done. You try to visit all the inactive and preach to them. Assign visiting teachers and let them build a relationship. You try to make everyone see your side of politics but it's not up to you to save the Republican party. You try to teach everyone how to do everything homemaking. All these things are great things. Just too much to tackle at once. You're a newlywed with a baby on top of it all, starting a homestead. Pace yourself. Trust others to pick up the slack. Relax."
Anyway, she went on and on and on, criticizing the way I do my calling, visiting less actives, inviting people to church. At first I was determined to humbly take some feed back and I just listened and encouraged her to give examples and tell me more and then went to bed about 1 am. But then I couldn't sleep. And it's just been festering in my heart. I spend all day every day thinking of what I could have/should have said in response to defend myself. But then I think it will make it worse. (and sure enough I sent her an article trying to explain why I didn't like Trump in a private message. Not only did she turn around an mock the article, the mentor who wrote it, but she was angry and swearing and yelling. All I wanted was validation, for her to say "I understand why you feel that way, although I disagree", but of course got just the opposite, which hurt even more). Then I study about forgiveness to try to forget and move on. I want to not let it hurt me. I want to not think about it and dismiss the things that were wrong. But then I remember again. And again and again. She criticized all the most important and sacred things in my life and every time I attempt to do any of them, I feel overwhelmingly sad and despondent. And every time I do my calling, which used to be such a source of spiritual power, I feel paranoid and anxious.
I feel like the air has been totally knocked out of my sails. This is the opposite of motivational. It makes me realize how very harmful "constructive" criticism can be, and how grateful I am that the Lord doesn't work that way. He is always focused on our good traits and our progress. He very rarely focuses on our faults, and when He does, it's with so much love that you feel motivated to change. This is the opposite of that. I think people use "honesty" and "constructive feedback" as a rationalization to say whatever they want without regard for how it affects someone else. Honesty is not the best policy; love is the best policy. Calling someone fat and ugly isn't honesty, it's mean. Calling someone controlling, pushy and trying too hard isn't honesty, it's mean. I feel like I took about 20 punches to the stomach and my air is completely knocked out of me, and the person who did it is saying they're just trying to help.
And I just can't stop thinking about all the terrible things she said about me, and the others that agree with her about how broken I am. I keep trying to fight it off and keep going because I know a lot of the things she said she didn't have context for and she doesn't understand or really know what's going on. And I know Satan is using her words to get me down and prevent me from doing what I'm supposed to. But it just keeps creeping back in.
I had Michael give me a blessing yesterday and in that blessing he said, "Heavenly Father is pleased with you and all of your service and efforts to bless the lives of those around you. He appreciates your willingness to serve and love His children and you have made a difference in many lives." I know it was his way of providing comfort. But here I am again tonight in tears, not even wanting to talk to Michael about it, depressed about who I am as a person, depressed at how the person I would have said was my closest friend 2 weeks ago has said some of the most hurtful things that have ever been said to me in my life, things that make me reevaluate my own worth and what I think about myself, things that are even more hurtful because she was trying to be "helpful", so obviously they must be true.
The blessing helped, and it's ironic because I was asking for a blessing about my health but obviously the Lord knows what's weighing on my heart. But I just keep feeling so very sad and hurt by the things she said. It's like the one person that I confided in and showed my underbelly to decided to turn around and use all those things against me and it's hurt me to my core. She used my vulnerabilities against me and I feel like crawling in a shell and never coming out because what's the purpose? I'm obviously failing at what I've been trying so hard to do and build here for the last 3 years - show love, serve, build friends. I feel like I've lost all of my motivation to do anything. I don't want to do visits. I don't want to lead meetings. I don't want to teach. I don't want to socialize. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to reach out any more. I don't want to host cooking group or homesteading group because apparently people think I'm being pretentious and trying to teach them how to do these things- when just the opposite is true, I'm just trying to learn and socialize in a way that's an outlet for me. But as soon as I leave I feel like there's this group of Stepford wives hypothesizing on how soon I'm going to have a breakdown and why.
PS- Levi started walking 2 weeks ago. And I found out I'm pregnant. Maybe that explains all the hormones and drama.
