Maybe the fact that there is no February post will clue you into to the chaos that has been my life the last 3 months. I feel like when people say that motherhood is the hardest thing they have ever done, this is what they are talking about. Alida has been a hard baby. I've come to the end of my rope several times. I never even knew that existed. I've literally been at a breaking point several times. I've never been so exhausted, so frustrated, feeling so unable to do even the smallest tasks.
Between Alida's collic, not getting enough to eat, having to sleep on me, not being able to put her down without crying, not sleeping through the night, eating every 2 hours, wanting to be latched on all the time, I am just worn out.
Today I put Levi down for a nap and go Alida asleep in her swing at the same time. Sometimes she'll sleep for a few hours in the early morning (from 9am-12pm) but she didn't this morning so I thought for sure she'd sleep this afternoon. As soon as I put them down, the first thing I think of is all of the things I need to do. Dishes, the kitchen's a mess, the house is a mess, I should probably shower and put clean clothes on and start getting dinner ready, etc. etc. But lately I've really been thinking about how I want and NEED the Spirit in my life more to have the patience and strength I need to take care of these kids. So I decide I need to put the Lord first and finally call my visiting teachees like I've been meaning/wanting to do for weeks. So I call Shawna Mounteer, but both of the numbers I have for her are out of order. I worry a little bit because they are definitely a high need family and I haven't heard from her in a month or so. So I decide to run up there (they live just up the street) and say hi for a second while the kids are asleep.
We have a monitor in Levi's room so I can watch him on my phone and see that he's playing with his blanket and messing around, but I'm not worried about that: he's contained. I'm listening to hear if Alida is crying, and figure at the very least she'll be asleep for 30 minutes and I won't be gone any longer than that.
Well I get up to the Mounteers, my dear friends, and see them for the first time in months! I see that Ray has a motorized wheelchair to help him get around until he gets his back surgery, thank goodness. Some members of the ward built a little ramp for him to get in and out of his house too, he's scheduled for surgery and so is he, and she's been keeping herself busy by drawing out kids nursery rhymes for her grandkids. It was SO good to visit with them. But I was there for no longer than 10 minutes when I can hear on the monitor that Alida is crying. AHHHH! SO frustrating!! I spent all freaking morning just trying to get her to sleep, only to have her wake up 20 minutes later! It drives me crazy that she won't sleep without me holding her or being latched on!
So I tell the Mounteers that I need to go, and drive furiously home, seething the whole time that I can't even have 30 freaking minutes to do what I need to without having to take care of this stinking baby!! Babies are supposed to sleep 18 hours a day but I swear she's awake like 27 hours a day!
I get home and Michael has woken up to take care of the baby and get Levi out of his crib and I just feel so defeated. I'm so frustrated that Michael was woken up from his sleep, and so mad that I don't have any time to do anything for myself, even to serve the Lord. I don't know how to survive without time to read my scriptures or pray, and serve in my calling, but it seems like if I have ANYTHING to do or planned other than taking care of kids, my whole day ends in frustration. It's like I literally can't do anything else. And I just kind of broke down. How can I qualify for the Spirit if I can't even do the most basic fundamentals of faith. And how will I teach this coming Sunday if I can't prepare and qualify for the Spirit? And how will I keep from being mad and yelling at my kids and resenting my baby if I don't have the Spirit?!
I was just so frustrated and angry. Michael was concerned and we said a prayer together and read scriptures. Then he gave Levi, Alida and me a blessing. He blessed me that I would have peace and calm in my soul. That the Lord would strengthen my back to be able to bear the burdens that are upon them. He blessed me to be able to have better insights into how to raise these children, and to know that the Lord loves me and is aware of my struggle right now. It was just what I needed. It seems like Michael rescues me just when I am about to fall apart. He just knows how to save me.
Well I was able to get dinner together and clean off my disgusting stove. Still no shower or laundry or picking up. But Michael played with Levi for the rest of the afternoon and watched Alida with such loving and tender care. It made me think I hope that little baby knows I love her and doesn't feel like I resent her- because I've spent a lot of time feeling that way toward her. I hope it gets easier soon and she sleeps more and needs to be held less. But I need to figure out how to love and cherish her the way I did Levi when he was small, so she knows her mom loves her and doesn't just see her as a burden.
Levi fell asleep on the floor soon after Michael left because he hadn't had a nap. And he slept the rest of the night, which really helped. But although Alida was exhausted, it still took me until 9pm to finally get her to sleep. She sleeps fine when she's latched on, but I just cannot have her attached to me literally all the time. I have to get up and walk around and PEE for heaven's sake without her. Anyway, she finally went to sleep and now here I am writing in my journal, which I'll probably regret when she wakes up later and I don't get enough sleep. Sometimes writing things out helps me to cope though.
So it's been a heck of a couple of months. People are so kind and want to help, but who can nurse her in my place? And who could I call at 2am when I'm exhausted and just want to sleep but Alida won't go to sleep? It's unavoidably my responsibility. So I just need some more strength to figure out how to do it.
I really really really hope she starts sleeping longer than 3 hours at night soon. And I hope she'll be content without me holding her all the time. But I also sure hope I don't cause her the same kind of attachment disorder I had because I was a needy baby and my mom couldn't take care of all my needs. I have so much more sympathy for my poor mom now. Having tiny kids close together is hard. No wonder she had a nervous breakdown. No wonder she let me just cry in my room at times. No wonder she felt like she couldn't take care of me. I understand. It is so freaking hard.
